What Helps When I’m Missing My Child So Much I Want to Die?
The first two years after my son died, there was a constant pain in the center of my chest. That pain never let up. I knew that my heart was broken and I also knew that nothing I could ever do would fix this kind of brokenness.
In the next few years following that pain began to feel a bit more dull. In fact, it turned into an ache. The ache wasn’t noticeable every minute of the day — especially when I was busy — but at night the ache turned into a throb. Sometimes it got so bad that I pulled the covers over my head and never wanted to leave that place of dark safety from the world of pain.
Eventually I came to where I am now in my grief. I miss my son so much that it’s still a pain that can’t be explained by mere words, but I am finally beginning to find some comfort from that agonizing pain, and maybe you will be able to find some, too.
When the pain gets really bad, I walk out to Mike’s memorial garden (which is located in my front yard) and I sit on the bench located under the old pear tree. I always cry for a while. What parent doesn’t? I’ve found, though, that by recalling special moments of time I’ve had with my son I get some relief. I allow my mind to go back in time when he was a little boy playing in this very space where his garden is now planted. I picture him in my thoughts as that vibrant (often mischievous) little boy climbing trees, riding his bike, throwing his baseball, and doing jumps on the three-wheeler. I imagine I’m hearing his voice and his laughter. I think of ONLY HAPPY MOMENTS because those are the memories that bring me comfort.
For the first few years after Mike’s death I was in so much pain thinking of all of the moments that would be missed with him gone. I thought of the Christmases he would miss. The vacations and birthday parties he would miss. I thought of all of the special occasions with his wife and children he would miss. and I grew angry and I missed him bitterly.
But, I realized finally that I can “choose what to remember” and by choosing the happy moments, the heartwarming moments, the precious moments I had with my son, I am finding comfort.
I will always miss Mike. There will always be a huge hole in my heart. Always. I know that.
But, there is also a blessing that I’ve been given and that blessing is knowing that I had the privilege of being Mike’s mom. I will always and forever smile (even amid my pain) knowing that God gave me Mike for a while.
And, I will cherish my memories with Mike forever and always.
May your precious memories of your child bring you comfort, too, especially when you are missing your child so bad you think you can’t make it another day.
With love,
Clara
***To check out the online grief series on child loss click here.
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20 Comments
Lorraine Thorpe
My Son’s name was Michael also. Thank you for what you wrote. I will try very hard to think of All the precious times we had because the pain of him gone usually overshadows Everything else. But my mind and Heart can’t take much more so I will try.
Mary Singer
My son, Tony, died on January 8,2016. He was my baby. I have an older son, Tom. You have described her EXACTLY how I feel. Exactly! I’m so tired of missing him and living with this pain and hole in my heart. My husband and I spent last weekend with Tom and his family, in the pool in the heatwave that hit the northeast. I enjoyed the day and laughed with my college age grandchildren. But the next day was awful. I felt that my loss and missing Tony was magnified by the fun I had the day before with my other son because I couldn’t have fun with Tony and his family .. does that make any sense. It sees that the pain was exacerbated. I just miss him so so much. Thank you for your words of hope.
karentursi
I often experience this same thing, my son Drew died March 5, 2017, at his young age of 30, I have another child 7 years older, very successful in the music limelight. I frequent his shows and love every minute of it, it’s such a high, he’s at the top of his game, Vocal Group of The Year , I enjoy EVERY minute of it, but the next day after the shows I tank, at the loss of my son, his brother, it happens every time, the ride home after the great show, I’m so sad.
Michelina
I lost my daughter to a violent death it’s only been three weeks and part of me died that nite im so lost she was only 20 and was expecting to start school at NYU.what do I do I’m lost
Lorraine Trulsen
Thank you for this. I am still in the first year of losing my son, and I try to read as much as I can to understand grief and how to manage it. I have started blogging as well. Before I started, I had so many thoughts and emotions and didn’t know what to do with them. Now, I blog them and it gives me a feeling of weight being lifted. Please keep sharing your words. They are necessary.
Rhonda Sims
Thank you so much I will continue to try this method as I have many times before feeling I have tryed it all. But just like my son who is
in heaven always did so will I . I will never give up hope .
Kelly Diehl- Petzoldt
This is beautiful. I’m 10 months into this journey, my son had no wife, no kids. I’ve lost my entire family kids, mom, brother, all 10 pallbearers all his close friends etc. I have contacted the suicide hotline before. Everyone says I’m crazy that I’m grieving wrong. I can only do what my heart tells me to do.
I love the idea of finding a place to remember the happy times and cry. I’m not allowed to cry. They say I should have been over it in 2 months. But I don’t have any memory of him prior to 24 hours to his death. I want those memories back.
Elizabeth
Thank you.
Christine Walker
Thank you for this. My only child, Gordon passed on May 18, 2017 he was only 30 years old. I miss him every second of every single day. This is the worse pain ever.
Mystie Chatwin
Wow this is quite accurate. I’m at 3 1/2 years without my son. Its horribly hard but I’m starting to smile at memories as well as cry. I MISS HIM SO MUCH! I will never stop waiting for his laugh.
Kaye Boswell
Thank you for sharing. I admire your strength, what a blessing to read what you write. It helps put into words how I am feeling about the loss of my two daughters, oh how I miss them so very much, some days I don’t think I can go on because the pain is so great💔💔, a part of me died with both of them, I am not the same person anymore😢😢😢
Thank you again, God Bless you Mama,
Kaye Boswell
Abel Rodriques
Clara, Thanks 🙏 so much for the many, many times you sincerely shared your agonizing broken heart 💔 with the losses you have and are living with each and every day! Also, for sharing and reaching out to so many who are suffering broken hearts from the most horrendous pain of child loss. You have given tremendous support, love and caring reaching out to us with such compassion that so many are afraid to get near tohelp lift you up and hold you in your Pain and sorrowful state of loss! You go right to the heart 💜 with great support! Many thanks 🙏 and Peace always be with you! A forever grieving family and friends of our precious Erin
jane Roberts
When I went to my Dr. 2 wks. ago , I ask him if people can die of a broken heart, he said, yes in deed they can and do ! The stress and lonelyness of a child that’s died is the worse feeling on earth , and never goes away . Even when we get a little use of him being gone , its never gone . We can go to them , they just cannot come back to us ! Heaven is a real place with real people ! People who believe in Christ . that’s the key that unlocks the door to heaven ! Our children await us just beyond that door . That’s what keeps me going !
The very sting of death is just going into that other world …. Heaven
Terry Horman
It’s been 16 yrs for me July 2 his birthdate and his death date he was found murdered at the age 21 yes I had my son Josh for awhile alittle while taken from me the pain was so bad and anger grew within me every night I’d call the detective at that time just asking her why isn’t my sons killers caught yet till this day my sons case is still unsolved! I get angered I work on my sons case everyday
What soothes my brokenness is speaking about him telling his story of growing up years my sons last breath was taken from him!
I still have that pain I have just have learned how to live with it around it about it! I seek justice for my son everyday! I’ll never stop never give up!
Thank you for letting me share!
Seeking Justice….
Susan Jo
I miss my dear son Jason so very much that I can barely function. I am in the second year of his death and I am not getting any relief of pain. He was my most special person in my life. I am still in disbelief that I will never hug him again. I pray everyday to surrender to Jesus. I ask Jesus to take care of everything. My heart is broken and my days are empty without him.
Angela
Truly, I hear from my daughter often….a dragon fly zips by me, she comes in my dreams….I swallow my tears and say, thank you…..to her and do God. Keep talking to your loved one, they are close by.
Laura Cocorochio
I want to first thank you for sharing your story. And what a touching one.
I’m sorry for the loss of your angel !
Your story helped me in one of the many moments I have not knowing what to do thinking and missing my son.
It is a pain can’t be explained !
Sending prayers your way.
Thank you ♥️
Laura Cocorochio
I want to first thank you for sharing your story. And what a touching one.
I’m sorry for the loss of your angel !
Your story helped me in one of the many moments I have not knowing what to do thinking and missing my son.
It is a pain can’t be explained !
Sending prayers your way.
Thank you ♥️
Delores Salcido
Thanks for sharing your story.I miss my son and l cry all the time.I heart is broken and I’m blessed to have all his friends share there memories of my son.
Michele
I lost my 28 yr old son Ryan 5 yrs ago this Oct. 29th. I can’t believe it’s been 5 yrs since I have seen him, hugged him or heard his voice. The pain is so raw at moments I cannot catch my breath. I just can’t see spending the rest of my life without my son. I miss him so very much.