It’s tormenting to lose a child.  I put myself through an emotional wringer every day.  It’s almost like I’m keeping score.  There is the good mother column and the bad mother column, and the bad mother column always has the higher points.  I know it’s crazy.  I know I’m punishing myself, but I still do it.  I remind myself over and over again of all of the missed opportunities I had to be a good mother and it’s breaking my heart.