Who would I be if my son had lived?
Have you ever thought about who you would be today if your child hadn’t died? I know we think a lot about who our child would have been, but what about us, the mothers and fathers, left behind? My son died when he was 42. He had dreams of building a vacation home at “the homestead” — in the field where he grew up. I would have loved that! He and I talked about that a lot! His last trip home before his death we walked the field that adjoins my home and he and I stood on the spot where he wanted to place his home. “Can you see…
Child Loss: What Happens When there is Little Support?
When child loss occurs, nobody knows what to say or do. So, many times people say whatever pops into their minds, and that’s usually never a good thing and offers very little, if any support. When I delivered my little Samuel, I held him close to me as my tears drenched his face. He was born still. I knew ahead of time that his heart had stopped beating, but never did I dream that my heart would stop beating, too, when he entered this world. Even though he was not alive, I still felt safe and close to him when his body was still inside of mine. Does that makes sense? It’s…
Child Loss: Seeing Our Child After Death
People don’t like to talk about this subject. They say it’s too disturbing. But, worse is when it happens to you and you’re not expecting it, and then you believe you’re crazy. Sometimes we honestly believe we can see our child who died walking among the living. You didn’t lose your mind. This is all part of your grief, and it’s time people began talking about it! When my sister died at age thirteen, I was devastated! I was only fifteen, and nobody had prepared me at all about death. Why would they? It’s something you don’t really think much about at that age. And, truthfully, death isn’t a topic that…
Child Loss: The Pain Cannot Be Described
I held him in my arms. His little body was perfect. I pulled him up close to me and we sat cheek to cheek. I kissed his tiny little head a thousand times and more. I held his tiny little fingers and just kept touching them lightly against my lips. I took his precious little feet and fit them into the palm of my hand and ever so gently closed my fingers around each tiny toe counting to make sure there were five on each small foot. And, then I felt my body fold into a million broken pieces as I rocked back and forth, my body shaking in pain knowing…
Child Loss: A New, Frightening, Lonely World
This hasn’t happened to me in a long time, but I’m going to share it anyway. I hope I’m not alone in this, but you know what? I’m going to share because I know that grief does really strange things to the way a person thinks. I just watched a video of a man and his significant other being interviewed about winning the big Powerball. Millions and millions of dollars. They were happy. They were teasing. They were laughing. And, they made the statement, “No more worries. Life is going to be so different now. We can live out our dreams, take care of our kids and families. We’ll never work again. …