I have followed your Facebook posts for about 6 months and have thought many times your words on that day is exactly what I was thinking or needed to hear. Thank you.
My name is Tanisha and eight months ago on the 24th of August I have birth to a still born baby boy named Nathan! I have two live children who I am very proud of and blessed to have for they are my reasons for living! I found your page from a friends Facebook and I am glad that I did! I have not read your book but I am eager now to find it. Thank you for putting in words my exact feeling!!
My name is Kristina Hooper. I read your posts on Facebook every time I see them and they are right on target. I lost my three and a half year old twin daughters 18 months ago. They were with there father for the weekend. He murdered them and then killed himself. I was the one to find them. Thank you for sharing your story. Now I can put a face to your wonderful posts. Xoxo
Kristina, I don’t even have the words to express how sorry I am for your losses. I honestly cannot imagine. I will hold you close in my prayers. Every loss of a child is traumatic, but to have the circumstances of your losses is beyond what most of our minds could ever conceive. I’m so very, very sorry. Every day I ask God to guide the thoughts that I share on FB, and you’ve made it more clear just how important that prayer is.
My name is Sabrina. I’m 41 years old now. I had my 1st child when I was 16, Elisha- girl. 2nd when I was 20, Blaine- boy. 3rd when I was 24, Beth- girl. 4th when I was 25, Megan- girl. 5th when I was 28, Chris- boy. My 3rd child, Beth, died hours after she was born. When I was 18 wks pregnant I had routine blood work done. Checking my AFP (Alfa-Feto-Protein) levels. I was so high they did an ultrasound same day. And after that I was sent back to my doc for an emergency councel. I was told my baby girl did not have a brain. Birth defect called Anencephylia, means partial or absence of brain. I was advised I could have an abortion. I immediately declined! I was told I wouldn’t feel any movements from my baby. Which I did! I was told 80% of Anencephylia infants were born stillborn in the last 2 weeks of pregnancy. I had my doc induce me early. And I delivered a breathing, soft crying baby girl, who was born without her brain, as I was told. She didn’t have a body thermostat, therefore turned a bluish-purple color when she became chilled. I held her 95% of the time. Family & nurses had her the rest. I delivered her naturally. A newborn is born crown-first because that is the heaviest part of their head. My baby’s head didn’t fully develope on the crown so she was born face-first, bruising her face. But, Oh she was beautiful! I had a wonderful, precious, emotional 16 and a half hours with my baby (Angel), before she passed away, that I would never trade or wish away. My other 4 children were born normal and healthy. There isn’t enough research on Anencephylic infants to know the cause of Beth’s birth defect.
Sabrina, Thank you so much for sharing your story of Beth. I’m so very sorry for the loss of Beth, but so very happy that you had those 16 1/2 hours with your sweet, precious little girl. What a beautiful tribute to your daughter — to have chosen to continue on with the pregnancy and to say that you would never wish or trade away your time with her. I’m sure you’ve encouraged thousands of others reading your story.
I found you on face book and I admit to reposting with your title to my blog amotherssorrow on word press. I have not read your book but will look to see what the charge is to see if I can afford now or have to save for it, either way I want to get it. My daughter was 41 when her common law husband of eleven years beat her to near death then poisoned her with morphine stolen from his bro in law that was dying from cancer. My daughter was due to come home the day after she died because she needed her “moma time” and he didn’t want her to leave him for a minute. anyway just want you to know I was blessed to have her for those years and I would give my life to have her here living and caring for her boys and her sisters. You have helped me so much with what you have written many times. Thankyou
I’m so, so sorry to hear of such a tragedy. There are times when it’s impossible to find words to comfort, and this is one of those times. I’m so thankful for the years you had with your daughter, and so sorry for the way her life ended.
Hi, maybe I’m not strong enough to even write a few words here but, I will try. My name is Caroline and five months ago my little angle of 15 months left me. She died. Her name is Riah, and after an illness from vaccinations her liver failed. I want to go with her. She was in the hospital for close to three months and we never knew there was a possibility that she could die. A few weeks before her death. I started sleeping in our rv, we were in an out of state hospital. We were told we would be hospitalized for at least a year so, they encouraged me to get rest. I have guilt that I didn’t spend every second with her. I’m sure she woke many times wondering where I was. I wasn’t there. I will never forget the last time she looked at me. Her eyes told me she was leaving. I can’t function. I don’t want to function. I beg God to take me I don’t care how. I do have 3 living children that I know need me but I’m no use to them. Summer and her birthday are rolling around and I’m scared. I do not want life to happen or move forward without her. I hope I can heal but, I dought it.
January 12,2015 its been 3 years since our life’s shattered & forever changed. my children are my everything my heart my soul my life we had such a closeness that if my daughter were in pain the same thing I would feel. I was on my way home one day when my chest got tight start having trouble breathing heart beating fast. something told me get to khristy my daughter I pulled up to the school ran in the door there was my daughter with tears streaming down her face. I got her to the doctors. my daughter latter asked me how did I know I told her what happened to me what I felt she said that’s exactly what happened to me. my son shawn is a police officer I would wake up in the middle of the night or any time of day and call him ask if he’s ok? he would say mom how do you know I just did. but, in the morning of November 6,2010 I knew & felt nothing. the night before was the first time in years I said I’m gone to sleep in I was exhausted. the phone was ringing & ringing I thought it was my husbands brother he’ll answer but he didn’t they kept calling back. I answered phone half asleep it was my daughter in law she said you need to come to Deborah right away I woke up instantly & cried oh my god is he ok she said no get dad & come. she called right back & said wait there the police are on there way to get you. we asked no questions when we got in the car, I tried to start a prayer chain none of my texs would go out I only got 2. then I knew this is really bad I cant get a prayer chain going the police picked us up. I prayed & pleaded & begged god save my son please take me. we ran in my daughter in law standing there holding our beautiful grandson I asked is he still alive she cried NO! my legs gave out I screamed & cried not my baby please not my baby. the sun was blindingly bright that day & the days to follow I remember walking & walking in shock wondering how I slept while my baby died & I didn’t know I slept through it I walked till my legs would give out. my mind shut down for a year and a half I don’t remember much since that day. I have panic attacks I could literary feel my mind spinning couldn’t remember how to cook or do bills or write checks couldn’t read or comprehend what I read I would read several times and still be at a loss, I tried 3 times to return to work 3 months after I lost shawn. no one understood I felt everyone was against me my 3rd attempt at work a woman told me our god is a very jealous god that I loved my son more so god punished me & took him away. I just shut down after that for a year & half after that I tried really hard for 6 months to be the wife & mom they knew but she was gone so I had to be the best I could manage & teach myself to cook again it was all very hard. but I forced myself things in our home started to feel better just when I was starting to feel a little normal. my brother was having a health problem the man who was there for me 24/7 anytime night or day never made me feel bad or like a burden now needed me. he pushed me away to spare me more pain & to deal with the severe pain he was in. I did all I could to pull my mind together & be there for him it took me another 4 months to make myself strong enough to be there for him & not cry I did it. and for the next 6 months ran back & forth to hospitals with him until we lost him july 2014. I am so devastated I let him down it tares me up. on the outside I now pretend I’m ok on the inside I’m devastated I lost all faith when I lost my son I forced myself to believe again & prayed & prayed for my brother I had so many people praying with us only to loose him. for a year & half after my son I had one foot in the not living the other confused and not knowing what to do or how. I struggle everyday to make myself live and look for the good in something when were loosing everything our family our home our life’s shattered now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. we had a happy life no matter what hard times we encountered we always said as long as our children were healthy & were together we are blessed I found myself feeling abandoned by god it was hard to open up to god again then we lost my brother I felt god stopped hearing me now I don’t know what I feel part of me believes in god part of me no longer sure of anything I’m so confused.
My name is Susan, and we only lost our son 3 months ago. He was 26, the youngest of our six children. All of us are still in shock, still trying to understand what has happened, and who we are now. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the loss, and their own feelings of guilt or fear or longing. I’m thankful for my family, but his hole in my life is overwhelming. Ian was such a treasure, and brought so much laughter to our lives. Right now, I’m reading everything I can find about healing, and grief. Thank you for your posts on Facebook.
For now, we are getting through our days, slowly and painfully. I hear there is a time when it is not so “raw,” even though it will not be the same again. If this is true, it seems so far off…
Dear Clara, Thank you for your inspiring words, I have lost 4 children throughout my life, my eldest 3 in 1993 & my son Casey in 2006, I struggle everyday to find peace, none of my family or friends understand the pain i feel, I have isolated myself from the world to hide my pain, I see the way people look at me, they see sadness in me but do not know why, I do not have it in me to share my burden with them so i hide behind a fake smile. Your Facebook page has given me a little outlet to share my grief with the other parents who have suffered the same loss. Jan 20th will be the 9th anniversary of the loss of my last chance to be a father, Losing my son Casey finally broke me, I have never recovered & most likely never will. Reading the other parents comments remind me I am not as alone as i once thought. Thank you for your page.
I lost my beautiful daughter in a car wreck on August 15, 2002! She was only eighteen and had her whole life in front of her. She was such a sweet soul and didn’t know an enemy; she helped people whenever she could and was kind to everyone. I see her friends on FB getting married and having children and it breaks my heart that Allison has been cheated out of all those experiences. I guess that’s the way we all feel, Cheated!!!! RIP my sweet Allison Beth Leary 2/3/84 – 8/15/02 Momma still loves you and misses you everyday <3
I am a reader of your grief comments. I lost my 22 year old daughter in a car accident on 1/11/11. I am getting better by the grace of God, but all you say about grief is so true. I wish everyone on earth could understand what we go through on a daily basis. I will always have sadness in my heart for my daughter.
My son Will died in a MVA on Valentine’s day 2014. He was a passenger, getting a ride home with friends from college for Reading Week. He didn’t make it home. Both he and the driver were killed. He was 18. My family is devastated and heartbroken. Such an enormous tragedy to deal with. It is a challenge for my tweo living children, Will’s father and I.
Our story is a little different than most. Our child was not lost to death but to an overturned adoption. We had a daughter for nearly four years. Her adoption was overturned. She was taken abruptly from our home, and we’ve had no contact for nine months. While she isn’t in heaven, she is still very much gone; and our hearts are shattered. We will continue our legal battle, but it will be months before any resolution occurs.
I have never commented or reached out to Silent Grief, I just have read and cried. As we just passed the 4 year anniversary of our 19 year old son’s death, I am so worried about no remembering things, like milestones and funny stuff and just random thoughts and experiences. My husband remembers all of these things. When he died…my memory left too, I couldn’t remember anything I said or did 2 weeks prior and all the way back. I had trouble remembering what I did the day before. I find that now some things are coming back and my day to day memory is back…..I am so very scared that I will forget what a wonderful young man he was and all of his childhood.
Lori, I’m so glad you’ve found the courage to comment. Each of us has this worry — that our minds will fail us with the precious memories we have of our children. I got so frustrated the other day trying to remember certain dates — when my son played baseball, the year he got married — things I should remember, but my mind just didn’t remember. I’m certain it’s because of the trauma we’ve gone though. In time, I pray that our minds can remember the really important things about our children. I experience dreams and my son is alive in them. I fight waking up because I can see him so clearly in my dreams. When I wake up — my mind goes blank on the details. I want to remember everything. Every parent does! Sending loving thoughts your way. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. I pray the days ahead get softer and more gentle.
I am a mother of a daughter that passed at the age of 22 in 2011 in a car accident. I have not been the same since. I have 2 other daughters, one is 30 and expecting our 3rd granddaughter in June. The other is a 9 yr old who we adopted from Guatemala when she was 9 months old. I can’t get past my grief, my tears, my anger who I take out on everyone. I am not a good person. I feel I have no control on my life. I love my family, but I miss my daughter. I don’t know what I need to do. I’ve read many books on grieving, so I don’t have yours because I feel I know everything I need to do. It’s just I’m always taking one step forward and tons back.
Sue, I’m so very sorry. Our grief walk is often one step forward and many, many back. Our hearts hurt all of the time. Have you ever considered some grief counseling to help you work through some of the anger? Child loss is such a trauma that many, many parents find themselves feeling totally out of control just as you’ve mentioned feeling. And, we do feel that way for a long, long time. We are most definitely changed — we don’t even know who we are some days. If you are at a point where you are lasting out at others, it’s probably time to seek the help of a professional. Sometimes just three or four sessions with a grief counselor can give you skills that will help you over this hump and into a better place in life. Thank you so much for you comments, Sue. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I wish that things like this never, ever happened. My thoughts are with you. I hope you will visit here often and gain some support from others who are here.
I have been to a counselor, a grief counselor, I have a very loving psychiatrist who has me on depression & anxiety meds, I have been in the psych ward at one of our hospitals due to a change in medication that made me very sick, I’ve been to group counseling…you name it, I have probably done it. I don’t have much support from my immediate family. My husband is just now suffering from the grief that he held back due to how I was. My 9 year old is so kind to me. My husband & I think God gave her to us because He knew we were going to lose our daughter. But my oldest daughter doesn’t talk about her sister at all. That’s how she handles it, and it bothers me. I want people to talk about her. Yes, she died, but she is so much a part of me that I will never let go. I just recently started back to church, but that isn’t going well. I am to the point where I cry, but I can stop. That is a big improvement for me. I am much better than I was, but I just got to keep going in the right direction, and I don’t know how to accomplish it. I feel guilty if I don’t think of her every day. I miss her so, so much. We could complete each other’s sentences. She went thru a lot in her late teens: rape, eating disorder, spent time in the ward for the thought of committing suicide. But she was getting so much better; she found the love of her life, and it was going so well, then she’s gone.
Sue, I’m so very sorry for the anguish you’ve been through and continue to suffer. It sounds like you are making steps forward, which is so good. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it to you, but you’ve come a long way in this journey of grief. When the grief of child loss hits it’s often like a tornado — powerful and does so much damage. Broken hearts don’t mend easily — and they never mend completely. It sounds like you have good, solid professional help, which is such a blessing. Please continue on with that. This walk is a day-by-day walk. Sometimes it’s hour-by-hour, as you know. I, like you, wish so much that child loss never happened. Ever. My thoughts remain with you. Thank you so much for your comments. It’s so nice getting to know you. Your daughters sounds like such a special young lady! As far as your oldest daughter, I was like her, too. I never talked about my sister Carmella until many, many years after her death. I couldn’t. It hurt too much. Please remember that we each process our grief in different ways. Your daughter is doing things that are the best ways for her right now. PS I’m glad you’re talking here. Every time you talk, you release a bit of the power grief holds over you, and that’s a good thing! My many thoughts are with you.
I’m so sorry for your pain & the loss of your daughter. I to loss my son in a car accident it will be four years in November . Our family was a very close family we got through the tough stuff in life with laughter & a good sense of humor but that wasn’t gone to do it this time. I was the one who took care of everything & everyone in my own home with our family members & neighbors & friends I went from that to our world just shattered I could no longer take care of myself let alone anyone else. The only one who could keep my mind focused for a short while was my grandson my son left behind. I lost my job my husband work lost most of there accounts I almost loss my husband to a heart attack we cashed everything to save our home & We still ended up in foreclosure then we get a call something happen to our son life was over as we knew it. I could no longer handle all the other stuff on top of this devestation I shut down for 2 1/2 years. I thought the pain alone would kill me a year latter I was still here I thought there must be a reason I better do something. At this point my mind was spinning like a top I couldn’t form a thought, read, remember how to cook any normal thing I did on a daily basis I was unable to do. I was a complete wreck didn’t sleep hardly at all. My uncle sent his minister friend to help me he also lost his son I was angry with God and this man never preached to me. He listened he let me know I’m not alone he showed me I needed to find something I love doing to focus my mind I made sold flower arrangements since I’m allergic to real flowers. And one day I realized my mind no longer spinning. It took me another year & half to fight my way back & try to save what left of our family wasn’t easy by any means. The harder I tried the more I felt like an outsider my daughter was very hurt she felt I abandoned her I had to earn her trust again so she knew I wouldn’t turn my back in her. I went through a bad anger stage where we couldn’t even communicate with each other. I worked hard with all my might to fight my way back make no mistake it was a struggle. But I feel I got here my family more on solid ground now. I still have bad days I went through bad depression last year I thought my anger was gone but there’s times it sneaks up on you I just handle it better now. This is a roller coaster let your self cry when you need to it’s the only way to get through don’t worry about what outsiders say do what you need to so you can find your way as long as your not harming your self & anyone else. There’s so many stages everyone handles it different there’s no right way. It’s just a pain like no other and were never the same. But find some counseling it dose help I did not dope myself up with meds. I did eventually take a very low dose valiume to finally sleep some nights. It’s one day at a time I wish this on no one I’m so sorry you have to feel such pain. Donna 💔
Donna, Thank you! Thank you so much for sharing a lot of your journey of grief with me. It helps so much to hear of others’ struggles and how they’ve overcome them — or are in the process of overcoming them. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son, but so thankful that you are getting to a much better place in life. Thank you, again, for sharing your story of grief which is turning into hope.
Ms. Hinton, I see you have a book out, CHILD LOSS THE HEARTBREAK AND THE HOPE. I have read many books, and I don’t want to hear again what I already know, but does you book offer ways to get back on your feet? And what about church? I started going, but I’m slacking because I get so nervous. The songs they sing are songs we sang as a family at our original church, and Alex would stand by me & sing so beautifully and clap & that’s all I can see, and I just cry.
Sue, Yes, I do have a new book out, and it is a book that is special in many ways. It addresses things like how to better your communication within family unit following loss, how to make the most of your “new normal”, how to use things like meditation and prayer to help you rediscover the person living inside of this pain. The second half of the book is a guide to “hope” — something every grieving parent needs.
If you are looking for a book that is a quick fix, cure-all, then this book is not for you. There isn’t any book that can erase the pain of a grieving mother, BUT this book IS for you if you’re looking for a book that will gently guide you to new hope. Did you know that we also have a Facebook “private” book club where people who have bought the book can discuss the book each and every day — chapter-by-chapter? It’s really an awesome thing, and the people in the group are gaining so much new support! I hope so much that you’ll grab a copy of the book on Amazon and join us. I know that you’ll get tons of support!
I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of your Alex. I’m sure that church is a very difficult place to go because of all of the different emotions you feel. My special love to you. Again, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your Alex.
Hi my name is Nancy Williams i have read your post on facebook. My only son Destin was murdered by his father on sept 4, 2014. He stabbed my son it was superfacial and he strangled him and then he suffocated him. He was my only child he was 6 years old. I miss him with all my heart. Two days after his father did this to my son and the police found him he killed himself in front of them so i will never know why he did this to my son leaving behind 4 other son’s with another girl.
Nancy, What a tragic story of loss! I’m so very sorry to hear this. I cannot imagine the torment of your soul each and every day –just knowing what was done to your only son. I simply cannot imagine how terribly hard this must be. I hope (and pray) that you are getting some kind of special help to walk you through the pain of this loss. My love and prayers are with you.
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Laura
I have followed your Facebook posts for about 6 months and have thought many times your words on that day is exactly what I was thinking or needed to hear. Thank you.
Clara Hinton
Laura, I think those of us who have walked through child loss understand each other’s hearts.
Kristi Hooper
I agree:):)
Tanisha
My name is Tanisha and eight months ago on the 24th of August I have birth to a still born baby boy named Nathan! I have two live children who I am very proud of and blessed to have for they are my reasons for living! I found your page from a friends Facebook and I am glad that I did! I have not read your book but I am eager now to find it. Thank you for putting in words my exact feeling!!
Kristi Hooper
My name is Kristina Hooper. I read your posts on Facebook every time I see them and they are right on target. I lost my three and a half year old twin daughters 18 months ago. They were with there father for the weekend. He murdered them and then killed himself. I was the one to find them. Thank you for sharing your story. Now I can put a face to your wonderful posts. Xoxo
Clara Hinton
Kristina, I don’t even have the words to express how sorry I am for your losses. I honestly cannot imagine. I will hold you close in my prayers. Every loss of a child is traumatic, but to have the circumstances of your losses is beyond what most of our minds could ever conceive. I’m so very, very sorry. Every day I ask God to guide the thoughts that I share on FB, and you’ve made it more clear just how important that prayer is.
Kristi Hooper
Your posts have been more helpful than you could ever know……especially for my friends and family members I believe. <3. Xoxoxo
Kelly brainerd
I just recently (today) found this site. Thank you
Clara Hinton
Kelly, I’m so glad you have found this blog. I know you will be encouraged.
Sabrina Denise
My name is Sabrina. I’m 41 years old now. I had my 1st child when I was 16, Elisha- girl. 2nd when I was 20, Blaine- boy. 3rd when I was 24, Beth- girl. 4th when I was 25, Megan- girl. 5th when I was 28, Chris- boy. My 3rd child, Beth, died hours after she was born. When I was 18 wks pregnant I had routine blood work done. Checking my AFP (Alfa-Feto-Protein) levels. I was so high they did an ultrasound same day. And after that I was sent back to my doc for an emergency councel. I was told my baby girl did not have a brain. Birth defect called Anencephylia, means partial or absence of brain. I was advised I could have an abortion. I immediately declined! I was told I wouldn’t feel any movements from my baby. Which I did! I was told 80% of Anencephylia infants were born stillborn in the last 2 weeks of pregnancy. I had my doc induce me early. And I delivered a breathing, soft crying baby girl, who was born without her brain, as I was told. She didn’t have a body thermostat, therefore turned a bluish-purple color when she became chilled. I held her 95% of the time. Family & nurses had her the rest. I delivered her naturally. A newborn is born crown-first because that is the heaviest part of their head. My baby’s head didn’t fully develope on the crown so she was born face-first, bruising her face. But, Oh she was beautiful! I had a wonderful, precious, emotional 16 and a half hours with my baby (Angel), before she passed away, that I would never trade or wish away. My other 4 children were born normal and healthy. There isn’t enough research on Anencephylic infants to know the cause of Beth’s birth defect.
Clara Hinton
Sabrina, Thank you so much for sharing your story of Beth. I’m so very sorry for the loss of Beth, but so very happy that you had those 16 1/2 hours with your sweet, precious little girl. What a beautiful tribute to your daughter — to have chosen to continue on with the pregnancy and to say that you would never wish or trade away your time with her. I’m sure you’ve encouraged thousands of others reading your story.
lenwilliamscarver
I found you on face book and I admit to reposting with your title to my blog amotherssorrow on word press. I have not read your book but will look to see what the charge is to see if I can afford now or have to save for it, either way I want to get it. My daughter was 41 when her common law husband of eleven years beat her to near death then poisoned her with morphine stolen from his bro in law that was dying from cancer. My daughter was due to come home the day after she died because she needed her “moma time” and he didn’t want her to leave him for a minute. anyway just want you to know I was blessed to have her for those years and I would give my life to have her here living and caring for her boys and her sisters. You have helped me so much with what you have written many times. Thankyou
Clara Hinton
I’m so, so sorry to hear of such a tragedy. There are times when it’s impossible to find words to comfort, and this is one of those times. I’m so thankful for the years you had with your daughter, and so sorry for the way her life ended.
Thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.
Caroline
Hi, maybe I’m not strong enough to even write a few words here but, I will try. My name is Caroline and five months ago my little angle of 15 months left me. She died. Her name is Riah, and after an illness from vaccinations her liver failed. I want to go with her. She was in the hospital for close to three months and we never knew there was a possibility that she could die. A few weeks before her death. I started sleeping in our rv, we were in an out of state hospital. We were told we would be hospitalized for at least a year so, they encouraged me to get rest. I have guilt that I didn’t spend every second with her. I’m sure she woke many times wondering where I was. I wasn’t there. I will never forget the last time she looked at me. Her eyes told me she was leaving. I can’t function. I don’t want to function. I beg God to take me I don’t care how. I do have 3 living children that I know need me but I’m no use to them. Summer and her birthday are rolling around and I’m scared. I do not want life to happen or move forward without her. I hope I can heal but, I dought it.
donna
January 12,2015 its been 3 years since our life’s shattered & forever changed. my children are my everything my heart my soul my life we had such a closeness that if my daughter were in pain the same thing I would feel. I was on my way home one day when my chest got tight start having trouble breathing heart beating fast. something told me get to khristy my daughter I pulled up to the school ran in the door there was my daughter with tears streaming down her face. I got her to the doctors. my daughter latter asked me how did I know I told her what happened to me what I felt she said that’s exactly what happened to me. my son shawn is a police officer I would wake up in the middle of the night or any time of day and call him ask if he’s ok? he would say mom how do you know I just did. but, in the morning of November 6,2010 I knew & felt nothing. the night before was the first time in years I said I’m gone to sleep in I was exhausted. the phone was ringing & ringing I thought it was my husbands brother he’ll answer but he didn’t they kept calling back. I answered phone half asleep it was my daughter in law she said you need to come to Deborah right away I woke up instantly & cried oh my god is he ok she said no get dad & come. she called right back & said wait there the police are on there way to get you. we asked no questions when we got in the car, I tried to start a prayer chain none of my texs would go out I only got 2. then I knew this is really bad I cant get a prayer chain going the police picked us up. I prayed & pleaded & begged god save my son please take me. we ran in my daughter in law standing there holding our beautiful grandson I asked is he still alive she cried NO! my legs gave out I screamed & cried not my baby please not my baby. the sun was blindingly bright that day & the days to follow I remember walking & walking in shock wondering how I slept while my baby died & I didn’t know I slept through it I walked till my legs would give out. my mind shut down for a year and a half I don’t remember much since that day. I have panic attacks I could literary feel my mind spinning couldn’t remember how to cook or do bills or write checks couldn’t read or comprehend what I read I would read several times and still be at a loss, I tried 3 times to return to work 3 months after I lost shawn. no one understood I felt everyone was against me my 3rd attempt at work a woman told me our god is a very jealous god that I loved my son more so god punished me & took him away. I just shut down after that for a year & half after that I tried really hard for 6 months to be the wife & mom they knew but she was gone so I had to be the best I could manage & teach myself to cook again it was all very hard. but I forced myself things in our home started to feel better just when I was starting to feel a little normal. my brother was having a health problem the man who was there for me 24/7 anytime night or day never made me feel bad or like a burden now needed me. he pushed me away to spare me more pain & to deal with the severe pain he was in. I did all I could to pull my mind together & be there for him it took me another 4 months to make myself strong enough to be there for him & not cry I did it. and for the next 6 months ran back & forth to hospitals with him until we lost him july 2014. I am so devastated I let him down it tares me up. on the outside I now pretend I’m ok on the inside I’m devastated I lost all faith when I lost my son I forced myself to believe again & prayed & prayed for my brother I had so many people praying with us only to loose him. for a year & half after my son I had one foot in the not living the other confused and not knowing what to do or how. I struggle everyday to make myself live and look for the good in something when were loosing everything our family our home our life’s shattered now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. we had a happy life no matter what hard times we encountered we always said as long as our children were healthy & were together we are blessed I found myself feeling abandoned by god it was hard to open up to god again then we lost my brother I felt god stopped hearing me now I don’t know what I feel part of me believes in god part of me no longer sure of anything I’m so confused.
Susan
My name is Susan, and we only lost our son 3 months ago. He was 26, the youngest of our six children. All of us are still in shock, still trying to understand what has happened, and who we are now. Everyone has their own way of dealing with the loss, and their own feelings of guilt or fear or longing. I’m thankful for my family, but his hole in my life is overwhelming. Ian was such a treasure, and brought so much laughter to our lives. Right now, I’m reading everything I can find about healing, and grief. Thank you for your posts on Facebook.
For now, we are getting through our days, slowly and painfully. I hear there is a time when it is not so “raw,” even though it will not be the same again. If this is true, it seems so far off…
Steve
Dear Clara, Thank you for your inspiring words, I have lost 4 children throughout my life, my eldest 3 in 1993 & my son Casey in 2006, I struggle everyday to find peace, none of my family or friends understand the pain i feel, I have isolated myself from the world to hide my pain, I see the way people look at me, they see sadness in me but do not know why, I do not have it in me to share my burden with them so i hide behind a fake smile. Your Facebook page has given me a little outlet to share my grief with the other parents who have suffered the same loss. Jan 20th will be the 9th anniversary of the loss of my last chance to be a father, Losing my son Casey finally broke me, I have never recovered & most likely never will. Reading the other parents comments remind me I am not as alone as i once thought. Thank you for your page.
Jeannie
I miss my son more then i can bare; This world sux without him……….
Jeanne Sheets Leary
I lost my beautiful daughter in a car wreck on August 15, 2002! She was only eighteen and had her whole life in front of her. She was such a sweet soul and didn’t know an enemy; she helped people whenever she could and was kind to everyone. I see her friends on FB getting married and having children and it breaks my heart that Allison has been cheated out of all those experiences. I guess that’s the way we all feel, Cheated!!!! RIP my sweet Allison Beth Leary 2/3/84 – 8/15/02 Momma still loves you and misses you everyday <3
sue slates
I am a reader of your grief comments. I lost my 22 year old daughter in a car accident on 1/11/11. I am getting better by the grace of God, but all you say about grief is so true. I wish everyone on earth could understand what we go through on a daily basis. I will always have sadness in my heart for my daughter.
Elizabeth Eddy
My son Will died in a MVA on Valentine’s day 2014. He was a passenger, getting a ride home with friends from college for Reading Week. He didn’t make it home. Both he and the driver were killed. He was 18. My family is devastated and heartbroken. Such an enormous tragedy to deal with. It is a challenge for my tweo living children, Will’s father and I.
Cheri
Our story is a little different than most. Our child was not lost to death but to an overturned adoption. We had a daughter for nearly four years. Her adoption was overturned. She was taken abruptly from our home, and we’ve had no contact for nine months. While she isn’t in heaven, she is still very much gone; and our hearts are shattered. We will continue our legal battle, but it will be months before any resolution occurs.
lori Ehrlich
I have never commented or reached out to Silent Grief, I just have read and cried. As we just passed the 4 year anniversary of our 19 year old son’s death, I am so worried about no remembering things, like milestones and funny stuff and just random thoughts and experiences. My husband remembers all of these things. When he died…my memory left too, I couldn’t remember anything I said or did 2 weeks prior and all the way back. I had trouble remembering what I did the day before. I find that now some things are coming back and my day to day memory is back…..I am so very scared that I will forget what a wonderful young man he was and all of his childhood.
Clara Hinton
Lori, I’m so glad you’ve found the courage to comment. Each of us has this worry — that our minds will fail us with the precious memories we have of our children. I got so frustrated the other day trying to remember certain dates — when my son played baseball, the year he got married — things I should remember, but my mind just didn’t remember. I’m certain it’s because of the trauma we’ve gone though. In time, I pray that our minds can remember the really important things about our children. I experience dreams and my son is alive in them. I fight waking up because I can see him so clearly in my dreams. When I wake up — my mind goes blank on the details. I want to remember everything. Every parent does! Sending loving thoughts your way. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. I pray the days ahead get softer and more gentle.
Sue Slates
I am a mother of a daughter that passed at the age of 22 in 2011 in a car accident. I have not been the same since. I have 2 other daughters, one is 30 and expecting our 3rd granddaughter in June. The other is a 9 yr old who we adopted from Guatemala when she was 9 months old. I can’t get past my grief, my tears, my anger who I take out on everyone. I am not a good person. I feel I have no control on my life. I love my family, but I miss my daughter. I don’t know what I need to do. I’ve read many books on grieving, so I don’t have yours because I feel I know everything I need to do. It’s just I’m always taking one step forward and tons back.
Clara Hinton
Sue, I’m so very sorry. Our grief walk is often one step forward and many, many back. Our hearts hurt all of the time. Have you ever considered some grief counseling to help you work through some of the anger? Child loss is such a trauma that many, many parents find themselves feeling totally out of control just as you’ve mentioned feeling. And, we do feel that way for a long, long time. We are most definitely changed — we don’t even know who we are some days. If you are at a point where you are lasting out at others, it’s probably time to seek the help of a professional. Sometimes just three or four sessions with a grief counselor can give you skills that will help you over this hump and into a better place in life. Thank you so much for you comments, Sue. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I wish that things like this never, ever happened. My thoughts are with you. I hope you will visit here often and gain some support from others who are here.
Sue Slates
I have been to a counselor, a grief counselor, I have a very loving psychiatrist who has me on depression & anxiety meds, I have been in the psych ward at one of our hospitals due to a change in medication that made me very sick, I’ve been to group counseling…you name it, I have probably done it. I don’t have much support from my immediate family. My husband is just now suffering from the grief that he held back due to how I was. My 9 year old is so kind to me. My husband & I think God gave her to us because He knew we were going to lose our daughter. But my oldest daughter doesn’t talk about her sister at all. That’s how she handles it, and it bothers me. I want people to talk about her. Yes, she died, but she is so much a part of me that I will never let go. I just recently started back to church, but that isn’t going well. I am to the point where I cry, but I can stop. That is a big improvement for me. I am much better than I was, but I just got to keep going in the right direction, and I don’t know how to accomplish it. I feel guilty if I don’t think of her every day. I miss her so, so much. We could complete each other’s sentences. She went thru a lot in her late teens: rape, eating disorder, spent time in the ward for the thought of committing suicide. But she was getting so much better; she found the love of her life, and it was going so well, then she’s gone.
Clara Hinton
Sue, I’m so very sorry for the anguish you’ve been through and continue to suffer. It sounds like you are making steps forward, which is so good. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it to you, but you’ve come a long way in this journey of grief. When the grief of child loss hits it’s often like a tornado — powerful and does so much damage. Broken hearts don’t mend easily — and they never mend completely. It sounds like you have good, solid professional help, which is such a blessing. Please continue on with that. This walk is a day-by-day walk. Sometimes it’s hour-by-hour, as you know. I, like you, wish so much that child loss never happened. Ever. My thoughts remain with you. Thank you so much for your comments. It’s so nice getting to know you. Your daughters sounds like such a special young lady! As far as your oldest daughter, I was like her, too. I never talked about my sister Carmella until many, many years after her death. I couldn’t. It hurt too much. Please remember that we each process our grief in different ways. Your daughter is doing things that are the best ways for her right now. PS I’m glad you’re talking here. Every time you talk, you release a bit of the power grief holds over you, and that’s a good thing! My many thoughts are with you.
Donna
I’m so sorry for your pain & the loss of your daughter. I to loss my son in a car accident it will be four years in November . Our family was a very close family we got through the tough stuff in life with laughter & a good sense of humor but that wasn’t gone to do it this time. I was the one who took care of everything & everyone in my own home with our family members & neighbors & friends I went from that to our world just shattered I could no longer take care of myself let alone anyone else. The only one who could keep my mind focused for a short while was my grandson my son left behind. I lost my job my husband work lost most of there accounts I almost loss my husband to a heart attack we cashed everything to save our home & We still ended up in foreclosure then we get a call something happen to our son life was over as we knew it. I could no longer handle all the other stuff on top of this devestation I shut down for 2 1/2 years. I thought the pain alone would kill me a year latter I was still here I thought there must be a reason I better do something. At this point my mind was spinning like a top I couldn’t form a thought, read, remember how to cook any normal thing I did on a daily basis I was unable to do. I was a complete wreck didn’t sleep hardly at all. My uncle sent his minister friend to help me he also lost his son I was angry with God and this man never preached to me. He listened he let me know I’m not alone he showed me I needed to find something I love doing to focus my mind I made sold flower arrangements since I’m allergic to real flowers. And one day I realized my mind no longer spinning. It took me another year & half to fight my way back & try to save what left of our family wasn’t easy by any means. The harder I tried the more I felt like an outsider my daughter was very hurt she felt I abandoned her I had to earn her trust again so she knew I wouldn’t turn my back in her. I went through a bad anger stage where we couldn’t even communicate with each other. I worked hard with all my might to fight my way back make no mistake it was a struggle. But I feel I got here my family more on solid ground now. I still have bad days I went through bad depression last year I thought my anger was gone but there’s times it sneaks up on you I just handle it better now. This is a roller coaster let your self cry when you need to it’s the only way to get through don’t worry about what outsiders say do what you need to so you can find your way as long as your not harming your self & anyone else. There’s so many stages everyone handles it different there’s no right way. It’s just a pain like no other and were never the same. But find some counseling it dose help I did not dope myself up with meds. I did eventually take a very low dose valiume to finally sleep some nights. It’s one day at a time I wish this on no one I’m so sorry you have to feel such pain. Donna 💔
Clara Hinton
Donna, Thank you! Thank you so much for sharing a lot of your journey of grief with me. It helps so much to hear of others’ struggles and how they’ve overcome them — or are in the process of overcoming them. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son, but so thankful that you are getting to a much better place in life. Thank you, again, for sharing your story of grief which is turning into hope.
Sue Slates
Ms. Hinton,
I see you have a book out, CHILD LOSS THE HEARTBREAK AND THE HOPE. I have read many books, and I don’t want to hear again what I already know, but does you book offer ways to get back on your feet? And what about church? I started going, but I’m slacking because I get so nervous. The songs they sing are songs we sang as a family at our original church, and Alex would stand by me & sing so beautifully and clap & that’s all I can see, and I just cry.
Clara Hinton
Sue, Yes, I do have a new book out, and it is a book that is special in many ways. It addresses things like how to better your communication within family unit following loss, how to make the most of your “new normal”, how to use things like meditation and prayer to help you rediscover the person living inside of this pain. The second half of the book is a guide to “hope” — something every grieving parent needs.
If you are looking for a book that is a quick fix, cure-all, then this book is not for you. There isn’t any book that can erase the pain of a grieving mother, BUT this book IS for you if you’re looking for a book that will gently guide you to new hope. Did you know that we also have a Facebook “private” book club where people who have bought the book can discuss the book each and every day — chapter-by-chapter? It’s really an awesome thing, and the people in the group are gaining so much new support! I hope so much that you’ll grab a copy of the book on Amazon and join us. I know that you’ll get tons of support!
I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of your Alex. I’m sure that church is a very difficult place to go because of all of the different emotions you feel. My special love to you. Again, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your Alex.
Nancy M Williams
Hi my name is Nancy Williams i have read your post on facebook. My only son Destin was murdered by his father on sept 4, 2014. He stabbed my son it was superfacial and he strangled him and then he suffocated him. He was my only child he was 6 years old. I miss him with all my heart. Two days after his father did this to my son and the police found him he killed himself in front of them so i will never know why he did this to my son leaving behind 4 other son’s with another girl.
Clara Hinton
Nancy, What a tragic story of loss! I’m so very sorry to hear this. I cannot imagine the torment of your soul each and every day –just knowing what was done to your only son. I simply cannot imagine how terribly hard this must be. I hope (and pray) that you are getting some kind of special help to walk you through the pain of this loss. My love and prayers are with you.