If You Have a Strong Faith, Will You Grieve Less During Child Loss?
For a long time, I had the misconception that the stronger my faith, the less problems I would have. I also believed with all of my heart that the stronger my faith, the more good things would come into my life. I sincerely (and wrongly) believed that if I had a super strong faith, I lived in somewhat of a protective bubble that would keep the bad stuff away.My first wake up call to reality was when my thirteen-year-old sister died tragically. I was only fifteen at the time, and my faith was a very real, very living part of me. Carmella’s death didn’t make sense. My family was very involved in church. We loved God, yet this terrible sadness came into our lives when Carmella died.
My heart was broken, and I began to question some of the core beliefs I had about faith.
The next faith-shattering event came into my life when I delivered a stillborn baby boy. I was a preacher’s wife at the time. Our family was truly living according to God’s principles, and we loved God with all of our being.
Yet…………our baby Samuel was not born alive. And, my heart was broken more than it had ever been broken before. Not only that, I couldn’t understand “why” God didn’t answer our prayers for a healthy baby boy.
My faith was so strong, yet this child had been taken away so suddenly. My prayers for a healthy child were not answered. Instead, my child was born still.
I grieved for a long, long time. And, I also added more pain to my heavy burden of grief because I thought I was a weak person of faith for feeling so alone and so sad. I cried millions of tears over baby Samuel and felt so ashamed because I thought I was not holding up to my end of faith.
As the years went on, I prayed fervently that God would never take another child of mine again. In fact, there were times when I begged God to never allow this kind of pain touch my heart again because I didn’t think I could live through such agony another time.
On May 22, 2015 a phone call came that would forever bring changes to my life once again.
My 42-year-old son Mike died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack leaving behind a beautiful wife and three precious young children. His brothers, sisters, and so many friends and family members are devastated and we will be a long time working through this journey of grief to a place where we can finally see some of the light of life once again.
And, so I’ve concluded something that I wish I had known years and years ago.
People of strong faith grieve, too. People of strong faith can have their hearts broken, too. Bad things really and truly do happen to good, honest people of faith and love.
Why? I don’t have that answer — at least not an answer that makes any sense to me right now.
What I do know is this:
It’s okay to not be okay after the loss of a child. It’s okay to grieve deeply for the loss of your child. It’s okay to feel shattered and alone in your grief for a while.
It’s NOT okay to let people tell you that your faith is weak because you are grieving the loss of your child.
Listen to these thoughts as I share with you in hopes of helping you during your time of questioning and deep, lonely grief over the loss of your child.
Please don’t add extra grief to your already broken heart by thinking that your faith is weak if you are grieving the death of your child. You are human, and it is natural to long for your child — just as I am longing to have my children here with me.
The hope of heaven is my strength. I will cling to that hope as I continue to walk this journey of child loss.
And, I will grieve the loss of my children all the days of my life.
Love,
Clara
*NOTE: Following the loss of my baby Samuel, I wrote a book, “Silent Grief.” If you are struggling with the loneliness of child loss, I know this book will help you. It is God-inspired, and written from the depths of my heart. It is my prayer to help those who are in the trenches of child loss to find hope and healing.
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6 Comments
Diane Beasley
I lost my faith when my 16 year old son Bryan was killed by a drunk driver on July 22, 2000. I was so angry at God for taking my son! It has now been over 15 years since the loss of Bryan; I went through many, many phases of healing. A few months after Bryan’s death I went to grief counseling with a psychologist, he helped me tremendously…I can’t remember how long I went for the counseling, I just know it took time. It took me about 8 years to come to a real time of peace…I realized my life was just going through the motions of living even though I thought I was doing OK. I then started to watch Joyce Meyer on television (at the 8 year mark)…I felt that God lead me to that program. Little by little my faith returned and then I remembered what a Catholic priest told me after Bryan’s death…It wasn’t God that took my son, it was the devil…he told me that God also lost his only Son and why would He put that typed of grief and heartache on another person….it made sense…the devil caused the man to drive drunk and kill my son! During that 8 year time period I found forgiveness for the man who killed my son…while he was on parole I tried to set up a victim/offender reconciliation meeting…he decline…so I wrote him a letter telling him I forgave him…his parole officer gave him the letter. The next few years I continued to heal and it is mostly in these past 1-2 years that I really went to a higher level in my faith. I still believe I can go higher and higher as I am just learning how to really trust God. I read/study the Bible every morning, it is the only way I can start my day. I even took my small book of verses with me on my vacation. I can go on and on but I think you get the idea of my healing journey. Do I still cry missing my son….YES!!!Do I get very sad and have a tremendous ache in my heart during birthday, holidays, and special life events….YES! The one thing that Dr. Tony Berardi told me is that I will always grieve the loss of my child because of all the life events that he will not be here for…he told me to allow myself to cry, grieve and be sad…don’t try to hold it in as it will make me feel worse. And he was right, I sometimes try to keep busy to ignore those feelings and i do feel worse. I am getting better. My faith is stronger, I have a beautiful family, wonderful husband and a good life. My goal is to live as Bryan lived…to Celebrate Life!
Clara Hinton
Diane,
Thank you so very much for sharing your journey through the loss of your son, Bryan! I appreciate so much the words that you’ve given us — and letting us know that this is truly a “journey.”
I’m especially glad that you shared your walk through the valley with your faith, and how you got reconnected again with your faith and trust in God! How liberating to be able to say, “I forgive!” to the man who is responsible for taking your son’s life.
May you be blessed as you continue to “celebrate life” — the way Bryan wants you to do! 🙂
Susie
Bless each and everyone of you who have lost a child. As our pastor told us, “you can’t lose someone when you know where that someone is”. That statement alone was one of the greatest comforts to our 11 yr grandson when our daughter, his mama went home to be with Jesus. Not one time have I worried, struggled or questioned as to where Lisa, our daughter is. Have I asked over and over again why? Yes. Have I prayed Lord let her come back? Yes I have and I know that is a very selfish desire. Struggled with my faith, I don’t feel like I struggled with is God real, or is Jesus real. Lisa contacted the H1N1 flu (swine) and was in the hospital 31 days. Even though she had gone to the doctor 2 x that week and never treated for the flu. We were told she was the sickest person in Savannah, Ga and surrounding areas. I saw God answer prayer after prayer yet I did struggle with did I pray the right way, did I pray enough, should I have referenced Bible verses in my prayer……guilt, guilt, guilt. I know now and knew then that God had the power. Here is a young Christian woman who learned sign language in order to sign for the deaf and hard of hearing so that they could hear the Gospel. Lisa started a deaf ministry in two churches. She had 2 young children 11 son and 16 yr daughter. She was so needed. Those 31 days she was in the hospital she went from the sickest person in all surrounding areas to not the sickest person in the hospital. She had the best readings the last two days (day 30 and day 31). They were ready to move her out of isolation and in with the other ICU patients. Then dialysis came in and knocked her vent tube off, her oxygen fell too low for her to recoup. Hard to accept. Faith & struggles. Prayed & fasted, yet Lisa is not here with us. Why? I finally figured out that even if I knew the answers to the “whys” that my heart would still be shattered and the circumstances would still be the same. Although I struggled not with my faith in GOD, but that there must have been something that I did or did not do in praying for Lisa. I knew HE had the power, but HE didn’t so it had to be something that I did wrong. I know it my mind this is not so, but still I struggle within in my heart. If you read this all the way to the end, would you please whisper a prayer for my two grandchildren. My son in law was due to leave for 1 yr with reserves which was postponed until 2 mo after Lisa was gone. So my other daughter and I moved in with them to take care of them. Great young people. GOD has used them to help me press forward, but at the same time I grieve so much for them not having Lisa. To end all of this …faith, prayer, struggles. GOD is in control Six people were saved at Lisa’s service. She IS an awesome young lady.
Clara Hinton
Dear, dear Susie,
What a sad tragedy of the death of your daughter who was loved so very much by so many. I’m so very, very sorry for her death. Life sure can throw us some curve balls, and then some! I read your story all the way through, and I have said a prayer for your precious grandchildren who miss their mom so very much. It’s extra sad when young children have their mom or dad die — an almost impossible thing to try to explain when we can’t come up with a valid reason why. 🙁
There is nothing you did wrong in your praying. I’m certain of that. One day I pray that God will grant us the wisdom and insight to understand the death of our children more completely. Until then, we cling to the hope of heaven and we cry buckets of tears of grief. My love to you and your beautiful family.
Latrece Thompson
SInce I loss my only son Chase on 2/24/2016 at the age of 10 years old. My faith in God has been rocked. I feel that God is punishing me by taking my only child. God Blessed me with this beautiful boy and now to take him away without any warning. I think that it is not fair. I was a good mother and I loved my son so much. I am also an only child I have no other siblings. My mother passed away three years ago. I only have my husband. I loved being a mother and now I have no child. Our house is quiet and sad. Why God was I not a good mother and William a good father? Why us? All three of us were happy together and loved each other and now we are loss without our Chase.
Clara Hinton
Latrece, I’m so very, very heartbroken to read of the loss of your only son, Chase. It feels as though God has abandoned us and/or is punishing us, but that’s not really true. God doesn’t work that way. One of the hardest things for me to come to grips with is the fact that good and evil exists in this world, and God “allows” bad things to happen to really, really good people such as you and your husband. Why? I don’t know, but it’s been like that for time forevermore. I wish with all of my heart that there never was a child that died — especially at such a young, tender age as your Chase. But, you and I know that this happens every day on this earth, and every day more and more parents are heartbroken. What is helping me walk this hard, painful journey is to remind myself often that life on this earth is temporary. We will not be here forever (thankfully) and there will be a day when we are reunited with our children, and oh what a wonderful day that is going to be!! I know that Chase is waiting for you, and he will be together with you throughout all of eternity! That’s a very small consolation for any of us grieving the loss of a child right now, but…..it’s going to be so wonderful for us when we all get to be with our children again one day soon. My heartfelt love to you!