Child Loss: The Shadow of Fear
When our lives are touched by the loss of a child, many things happen to us that change us from the inside out. Aside from life-long pain and grief, other changes occur that we’re often afraid to mention for fear of thinking we’re the only one or that we might be wrongly judged.
Fear. The fear that accompanies child loss is overwhelming.
We fear all kinds of things — fear of the future, fear of today, fear of never being able to smile again, fear of not having enough strength and hope to go on in this life, but most of all we fear something that we’re almost hesitant to say for fear of it happening. We live day in and day out with the fear of losing another child.
Why? Why do we add pain to pain and worry to worry? Why do we complicate life even more? Why do we do this to ourselves?
We fear losing another child because our thinking process says, “If the unimaginable can happen once, it can happen again.” And, so we begin to smother those around us. We worry continuously — never do we rest peacefully for fear of getting another phone call hearing the most dreaded of all words, “I’m so sorry.”
After my sister died at age thirteen, our family changed so much. My mother became depressed and practically immobilized with grief. My dad seldom smiled and he wore his grief on the outside for a very long time.
Something else changed. My mom and dad were so overly-protective of me and my younger sister. I didn’t at all understand then, but I sure did learn some hard life lessons in fear later in my own life!
I was almost sixteen when my sister died, and when I turned eighteen I wanted to go to college. In fact, I had a full scholarship to further my education making me about the happiest person alive! Until……..it came time to talk about college with my parents. They flipped out on me. Why? Because they didn’t want me moving away! They had such a fear of losing me. They had a horrible fear that if I moved away they’d never see me again. Or, if I moved away something terrible would happen to me such as a car accident or sickness and they wouldn’t be there to help me.
Fear. Fear is a sidebar of child loss. That horribly, paralyzing, underlying fear of losing another child.
After I got married and began my own family, there was one constant prayer I said daily. “Dear God, please don’t ever take one of my children away. Please. I don’t ever want to go through that kind of pain. ” I repeated this prayer morning, noon, night and anytime I had a spare minute in-between!
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake that fear. I never, ever wanted to be as full of pain as I was when my sister died, and I never, ever wanted to go through what my parents did when my sister died.
And, then the one thing I feared the most happened. My son Samuel died.
It is now twenty-five years since the death of Samuel and I sincerely wish that I could tell you that all of my fear is gone. I wish so much that I could say I never, ever worry that one of my living children will be taken away. I wish I could say that I live in total peace and harmony every day of my life. But, if I’m being honest, I can’t say that.
Every day I pray over my living children asking God’s protection on them. Yet, I know from experience that this life is full of sorrow and pain. And, children still die. And, when I go to that place in my private thoughts, I begin to shake with fear. Why? Because if it could happen once, it could happen again. And, I’m so afraid. Nobody that I know of who has lost a child ever passes that off lightly and says, “Well, if it happens, it’s just one of those things.”
We shake from the inside out with fear.
So, how should we live our lives since we know we can’t live in this deep, immobilizing fear all of the time? For me, it helps for me to envision an angel by each of my children watching over them. That gives me some peace of mind.
I have forced myself to give my children the right to live their own lives. They are all adults now, but the worry factor still enters. Yet, I know I must “let go, and let God.” When my fear thoughts begin to overtake me, I have to take a walk and begin doing something that will take my mind off of the fear of losing another child.
Note: Since becoming “gram”, I’ve noticed that my worry has been upped by about ten degrees. Not only do I fear losing one of my children, but I fear losing a grandchild. I’m shaking as I write these words — too afraid to even say what I’m thinking for fear it might happen.
Losing a child leaves our hears broken and shattered in so many different ways!
I’m finding that the more I bring to surface my fear of losing another child and talk about it, the less power the fear holds over me. And, it helps me to never go to bed angry with one of my children. God forbid, should something happen, I don’t want to be grieved by guilt for the remainder of my days on this earth!
As parents and grandparents of loss, we walk such a fine line, don’t we? We want to hope and trust in life again, yet…….that nagging fear seems to always cast its horrible shadow over us. It never seems to go away completely no matter how hard we try!
I’d love it if you’d share your thoughts on this blog. I’m sure many of you reading this have shared similar fears as mine. Share here and let us know what has helped you to let go of that fear.
Our living children need us to be parents — not hovering over and keeping them from spreading their wings and tasting the deliciousness of life. It’s easy to say those words, yet so very hard to do!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic of fear of losing another child. It’s so hard to know how to shed this fear, when we don’t talk about it! It is my prayer that we will use this blog as a place where we’ll constantly be learning and growing together.
My love to each one,
Clara
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50 Comments
Melissa Trauth
You have said perfectly what I have been feeling since my son died. It’s hard to let go of this fear because I don’t want to go on with my life and then have it happen again. It happened once, it could happen again. But then I’m afraid if I dwell on it I will never let them grow up and live their lives. I am a broken mom, Friday will be 4 months since my son died. Will this ever get any easier???
Clara Hinton
Melissa, Oh, how my heart breaks when I hear from a newly bereaved parent. Four months is so early on in this difficult journey. Yes, it does get a bit easier and the pain definitely isn’t always this raw, but it takes time……and more time……and even more time. I’m holding you close in thought and prayer. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son.
Valerie Hailstone
I have learned that it Never gets easier, somehow you just learn to live with it. It changes you from that moment. You are never the same person, nor would you ever want to be the same person…it is a life-long sentence. It is a life of Fear and Pain and horrible Torment…..
Valerie Hailstone
vhailstone60@gmail.com
Laurie Porter
Wow!!! If this just don’t hit the nail on the head. My loss is so new but this explains so much of what I’m feeling and dealing with. Thanks for sharing and giving me some clarity and not feeling so alone.
Clara Hinton
Laurie, You’re so very welcome. That’s why I feel it’s important to have places such as this. By sharing, we learn and are encouraged. My love to you!
Diane. Day
Very we’ll said
Sharon
I am going through this right now. My daughter wants to drive to Tahoe. She has never driven in the snow and I am terrified. I want to hold on to her and not let her go. She is so mad that her dad and I are even concerned. It has only been a year since we lost our son. If I loss her I don’t know how I could survive. I just don’t get why she can’t understand.
Clara Hinton
Sharon, I’m thinking your daughter does understand “some”, but in her own way she is forcing you and her dad to let go a bit. It’s so terribly hard, though! I wish we could keep our kids by our sides forever!!! But, we know we can’t.
Driving in the snow is a risk even for experienced drivers. If you explain it that way, maybe your daughter will better understand.
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son.
Staci Tober
After we lost Trevor, I got pregnant again about a year and a half later. It was very hard going through that pregnancy. I didn’t know how I was going to keep my new baby alive if I couldn’t keep my other baby alive. And I didn’t have anything to do with Trevor’s death. He strangled in his baby swing at daycare. But the fear was still there. Even after Michael was born, I was so overprotective. My daughter Anna was 4 1/2 when Trevor died, and she became super overprotective of Michael after he was born. She used to say “if Michael grows up” -instead of “when Michael grows up”. So, even at her young, innocent age, she got the fear as well. Sometimes I get so angry that my precious, innocent Anna had to learn something like that at such a young age. But, if there was ever to be something good to come of this horrific event-then it is that both my kids are so compassionate and caring. And I love that about them.
Marty
After losing my son almost two years ago, I can’t even get undressed and in my comfy clothes until my daughter comes home, no matter what time. I make her text me when she gets to school in the mornings, and have been known to freak out if she forgets. I have to remind myself constantly that if I hold on too tight, I could lose her anyway. I give her more freedom than I want to, but she will be 18 in November and it’s not just for her. If I slowly relinquish my hold, I feel we will have a much better relationship. It is SO SCARY though. I don’t want her out of my sight. I also worry horribly about my granddaughter, the only thing I have left of my son. I have to pray ALOT and remind myself that God is in control and hope He sees that another loss would probably kill me.
Cindy
Amen. I feel that pain.
Clara Hinton
Marty, I get what you’re saying. It is definitely so scary to let go — even a little bit. I cling to those verses God has given us that let us know He hears our prayers. And, it helps tremendously to know He is in control — always. Even when we don’t understand He remains in control.
My prayers are with you. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son.
Stephanie
I can totally relate. I was overprotective to begin with and now it’s just overprotection on steroids so to speak. My living youngest daughter is also very clingy and needy of us and afraid to do many things alone. I know she shouldn’t have to live with her own fear but I don’t know how to teach her to let go of the fear, when I can’t. I always feared something would happen to one of my children. And after a brief illness that should have been normal, it did. And only six months later, my brother-in-law died after being hit by a drunk driver on the way home from work. Neither should have happened. You try to be safe. You think you are doing everything you can. And things still happen. Thank you for sharing your fear. I hope we can both learn to let some of it go.
Clara Hinton
Stephanie, I’m so sorry for the pain that has come into your life. You’re so right — none of this should happen! None of it!!!
I believe with all of my heart that when we share, we dilute the power fear has over us. It’s a saying of mine that I say many times each day. It works!
Thank you for sharing. We become empowered wee bits at a time. This is our beginning…….
Cindy
You have described me completely. I exercise that my children have a right to live their lives beyond my fears. It doesn’t stop the fear. Now that my youngest child has turned 18 I am left in the empty nest. I travel for a living and find myself worrying about my own demise. I force myself to look for something else to think about. I suffer with all the physical strange things, fatigue & allergies I have never had in my life that cling to me like they own me. I’m itchy and over weight. It’s all the fear trying to find it’s way out. I’m uncomfortable all day everyday. I’m happy for each day I’m granted, but scared all day long. I worry when my son is working at the fire hall and I worry about my daughter because she is diabetic. Each of those things could claim their lives more easily then the child I lost. I love my travels but I am scared I will be 2500 miles away and get another phone call like I did that day in 2010. I feel like I’m only at ease when I’m home and my children are home. I pray I will never get another call like that again, but pretend what I would do and how I would feel if I did. I know how I would feel because I’ve been there. I pray real hard when my thoughts get going on that path. All I can do is accept each day for what it gives me or takes away. I want to be in different places all at once. I’m not getting what I want, so I’m dealing with what I get. I’m feeling cheated because I’m not where I want to be, yet I enjoy my travels and feel very lucky I have had that in my life. There is no balance. I left to feel what no other close to me feels. My family sees me as over protective and at times gets very angry. I still point out driving errors to my son, but mostly because I drive for a living and with all my experience I don’t want him making mistakes. I want him to show better driving skills so I won’t worry. He likes to argue and that only makes me worry more. So I pray real hard for his driving skills and safety. I look for a good nights sleep every night. I have not slept through the night in years. I have to sleep with the tv on so when I wake up something grabs my attention right away to keep me from thinking about horrible images of my children if they aren’t home or haven’t checked in. I still get freaked out if they don’t answer the phone or text me right back. I try to be calm and have only actually went to hunt down my son once. Thank God he was alright and was right where he said he would be. This is my life.
Clara Hinton
Cindy, Oh, how I can relate to what you’ve said!
I’m still like that. If my kids don’t answer their phones, I’m in the car checking on them. For the ones who live out of state, I panic! And, I panic some more until I hear from them. It’s so difficult to “let go of some of the fear” — yet for sanity’s sake, we know we must.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Patricia Alexander
It will 4 years Memorial Day weekend since my daughter died. My son is now 26 I worry about something happening to him. I try not to worry so much, I just had the two. I try not to worry, but I can’t help it.
Clara Hinton
Patricia, I don’t think we’d be a normal mom if we didn’t have those worries. It’s part of who we are as a parent — our child’s protector. And, once the unthinkable happens, our innocence is stripped away. And, fear just seems to take over. Sad, but true.
Vic
I’m overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. I lost my son last year at two and a half years old. At the time I had a six month old also. I found my son and my husband did CPR until the emergency personnel showed up. I check on my youngest son nonstop now. I wake up all through the night and check him. I get horrible feelings all the time that he is in trouble and I am missing it. I’m too young to go through this. I was supposed to experience his school years and dance at his wedding. I’m trying to not hover so much and hopefully will be better by the time my son is older. I love your post. You so adequately express my emotions.
Clara Hinton
I’m so very sorry, Vic. You have no idea how much it breaks my heart to hear of things like you’ve had to endure. It’s so easy for others to tell us to just relax…it’s all going to be okay. If only it was that easy to practice, but we keep trying and trying some more!
My love to you!
lisa
This is so true. May 5th 2014 I lost the most beautiful person I ever knew.. My oldest daughter, and I lost two of my grandsons as well.. My world is so destroyed no words can I put to how I feel.. What adds to this is I have two other children a son and another daughter, my son had an avm when he was 10 years old was in a coma for a month and is handicapped now.. i was told back then he would die young and by another avm. in his thirties, he is now 32 at that time I lived in so much fear and yes if fell all over everyone, I finally came to terms and let him and them spread their wings, he now lives on his own and does pretty well but I still hold my breath will I lose him. His sister had promised me she would look after him when I went now she is gone, now I am sick with fear if I die what will happen to him.. His younger sister had a son last year in Feb. he was born on his cousins birthday 13 years apart we all were so excited now it brings horrible pain for me..I am so full of fear of losing anymore of my family..I am sick, in my heart and mind..I want to leave but my son needs me. I lost him as a child he is different in so many ways but very sweet. then losing my daughter and grandsons, If I lose any more I know I would die. I no longer love life, my existence is in fear and pain.. I work come home and wait to do it all over again.. My youngest grandson will never know me the way my older grandsons did. I died with them…
Clara Hinton
Lisa, I can hear your pain in the words you’ve written. I wish so much that I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. So much loss and pain does change us. It’s hard to get back that part of us that died when our child died.
I’m so very sorry. My prayers are with you.
Lynne
this fear of losing another child and then a grandchild is so real. I worry about it all the time. I lost my son and 10 years later my nephew. I know it can happen again. I have 2 children and 2 grandchildren left. I hope I die before one of them. I couldn’t do this again. It is too hard.
Clara Hinton
Lynne, I totally get it. It’s too hard to even go there in our thoughts.
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son and your nephew. Things like this just shouldn’t ever happen. 🙁
Sue Saulter
I so understand how everyone feels about over protection for the children we have here on earth. I lost my daughter 1 1/2 years ago, she was 36 and my son is 40 and believe me I will continue to worry, I really thought I was crazy for worrying about a grown man but boy do I, I do think if it happened once it can happen again, I try to keep busy but my daughter and son are always on my mind, 24/7. My daughter who passed is my angel who keeps over her brother and I believe this and relieves some pressure but the loss of one child is so painful and keeps a hole in my heart from healing. I do believe that as long as I am alive I will never stop from being protective of my son and I am ok with that. My son does understand and he is okay with that.
ashley henderson
I am 22 and have lost 2 daughters in the past 4 years, i have 1 living son hes 2 yrs old, and i worry everyday and night that something will happen and i will lose him too. I love him so much but after just losing my second daughter just last month (she was just a day from turning 8 weeks old) from sids everything jesse does just makes me worry that i may find him dead in the morning and i just want to protect him from everything but i know i cant do that i have to let him be a kid but its so hard
Clara Hinton
Sweet, sweet Ashley! I’m so sorry to hear this. Losing a child from SIDS is horribly scary! No wonder you’re feeling such fear and being overly cautious with Jesse. Have you considered joining a SIDS support group? That might help you to overcome some of this fear of losing another child.
I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of you two daughters and pray a long, healthy life for Jesse!
Clara Hinton
Sue, There’s nothing crazy about worrying about losing our adult children. Trust me, I do it all of the time.
I’m so glad your son understands. He sounds like one wonderful young man!
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.
Jane
Clara, I want to thank you so much for your site and the words you share with us. So often they ring true and I could have written them myself. I lost my youngest daughter to cancer two years ago on March 1. She was 18. I have three older children and while I haven’t specifically feared losing them as well, my fear in general has certainly increased. My long time boyfriend has been very supportive through my grief journey and just two days ago the unthinkable happened – he lost his youngest son who was 23. It was an unexpected death – we still don’t know exactly what happened, but his heart stopped twice and they revived him but he was basically brain dead. He was a donor so we entered that beautiful, horrific process of keeping him alive long enough to find matches and then waiting for him to die in the operating room after they’d removed him from life support. My boyfriend and I are in shock because of what has happened but also because we are going through this loss once again, only have switched roles. And my grief is being triggered in many ways of course. I do find comfort in the fact that I believe they are both together now. Right before Ben passed I kissed him on the forehead and asked him to give my Claire a hug for me. It is so hard to see my boyfriend suffer like this – especially when I know what is ahead for him. He told me the other day he thought he maybe had a clue about what I have been going through but now knows he didn’t have a clue. I told him I was sorry that now he has a clue. I introduced him to your site and I hope he draws comfort from your words in the days and months ahead as I have and still do. Thank you.
Clara Hinton
Jane, I’m so, so sorry to hear of this new loss. It literally breaks my heart to know of yet another tragic death. There is so much pain in this life, isn’t there? I’m so thankful that you are there for your boyfriend to help him through this pain and to help him find his way through the deep fog of grief — certainly not a path any of us would choose. 🙁
Every day I always pray over this blog and my FB page asking God to help me find the words to help. It is my very sincere pray that there will be words to help your boyfriend as his aching heart longs for his son.
What a beautiful thought to know that your Claire and his Ben are now together watching over both of you. Thoughts like that become our only peace. My love to you!
Jane
Thank you!
Teresa Thompson
My son was shot and killed 2 years ago and I just fear of losing my daughter now. There have been a couple of things happen to her that just scared me so bad. The first thing was one day I was talking to her on the phone and someone ran a red light and T- Boned her, and when I heard that and she went to hollering Mommy I’ve been hit! and then our connection went dead, I could only imagine the horror of losing another child. Praise God she was not hurt. Then the second thing that happened was she called me late one night crying and scared and told me some one had shot at her apartment and one of the bullets came thru her bedroom window and crossed the room and hit the wall, if she had been up walking around it would have hit her. There were four more shots on the outside of her building. The police told her that the guy that done the shooting was mad at his girlfriend and had shot at the wrong apartment. I know God and my son were watching over her, knowing I could not take losing another child to murder.
Clara Hinton
Teresa, This is horrible! No wonder you’re filled with fear of losing your daughter. You’ve been through trauma, and just knowing it could happen again is enough to send you into a tailspin.
Is it possible for your daughter to move? That might help both of you to reduce your anxiety. Just having a bullet come flying through my bedroom window would be enough to send me over the edge. That’s a bit too close for comfort. Please talk to your daughter about moving. I think that might give you both a bit of peace of mind.
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. You’ve been through a lot of pain — please do all you can to take care of yourself.
leticia aldana
I don’t know how you all do it. This fear of losing another child was so overwhelming to me that I decided not to have another one so I had a tuba ligation. When my sister finally had her kids the fear of losing them came over me so hard. My daughter died at age 2 yrs 15 yrs ago in her sleep from allergies. So I would watch my sisters kids breath when they slept every time I babysat. It’s still very difficult to trust that nothing will happen to them. And when I finally started to feel less afraid. This past week my sister’s niece from marriage passes away. And all those terrible memories come rushing back. And the fear returns…
Clara Hinton
Leticia, Oh, how much I can understand what you’re saying. Our innocence of life is stripped away when we lose a child! No longer do we trust in the purity and goodness of life like we once did, and that takes away so much joy. It’s a never ending cycle of fear, distrust, panic, more fear, and on and on it goes.
And, as life sometimes has it, just when we get feeling “okay” again, something happens to knock the wind right out of us. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your little daughter and now the loss of your sister’s niece. Life is hard. Please try to take some “mini breaks” from this fear each day — force yourself not to worry or the worry and fear can engulf you!
Diane Brooke
My youngest son had back surgery just last week. I was scared to death. I did not relax until the surgeon came to the waiting room and told me that he was already awake and fine. It is amazing to me how much I worry about him since my oldest son died. I did tell him (he is an adult as was my oldest son) that this is the new normal and that we will worry about him more than we should.
Clara Hinton
Diane, I’m so glad that you told your son that the new you has some very real fears. Communicating that to him will definitely help!
I think we moms on this site need to form a pledge to have one “worry free day” every month just for our sanity’s sake! It’s so hard, isn’t it?
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Jill Seymour
We lost our first son before he could be born, at 36 weeks in October last year. We are about to start ivf again and even the idea of being pregnant terrifies me because pregnancy lead to losing him. I’m so scared it could happen again even thought hey could find no causes.
Clara Hinton
Jill, Having delivered a stillborn baby, I can identify with your fears. Please, please talk to your doctors and get them to suggest some meditation and relaxation techniques for you. Worry isn’t good for us and it will definitely not be food for you when you get pregnant.
I actually used biofeedback when I got pregnant following my stillbirth. It helped so much! My many thoughts and prayers are with you!
Donna Minton
I know this fear! I lost Robbie 2 months ago. I have 5 living adult children and I am smothering them. If I call or text and they don’t answer I begin to panic. They are not understanding why I need them to respond. The fact that I could lose them is paralyzing sometimes. I always worried about my children but now it is 1000 times worse. I don’t know how to control it.
Clara Hinton
Donna, I “get it” — I really do. One of my sons is not good at all about texting or answering his phone and he worries me to death. He lives away from me and I can’t drive to his apartment. So, I have the phone number of a neighbor friend of his to check for me. That gives me some peace of mind. He’s a very independent young man and just doesn’t understand how he worries me so!
I think the only way we control this fear is to take “time outs” from worrying. That has greatly helped me!
Bruce Welsh
I lost my 22 year old son a year and half ago to testicular Cancer. 3 weeks from diagnosis to the day he died.
My daughter is going on a vacation with her boyfriends family and it requires her to drive her car on a 5 1/2 hour trip to the Lake Tahoe region. For the last week I have been constantly asking her questions, giving her advice on driving in the snow. Basically smothering her out of my own fear. She told me that she needs to live her own life. She’s right.
Then I saw a post on Face Book about this blog. The timing was perfect. Reminding me to be a parent. Not sure I will worry less about her, but it reminded me to keep some of my fears to myself.
Clara Hinton
I’m so thankful you’ve seen this! I “get it” when you say you’re not sure you’ll worry less….but as parents we do need to keep some of our fears from our living children. Thanks so much for your comment and for sharing your heart!
Betty stanford shelton
I had the perfect life. Beautiful home, good husband surrounded by family and friends. Then The Lord blessed us with three beautiful children. Meg in 1979, Zac in 1983 and then the big surprise Laura 1986. We raised our children in church and set the best example possible. As all parents do we made many sacrifices for our wonderful talented smart children. The only prayer I ever prayed was for the hedge of protection around my children. My husband and I were on the fast tract to being empty nester’s. My eldest after college got married. My son went away to college. I had my sweet 15 year old daughter at home. We were trying to teach her to drive. For almost a year we let her drive with us. She never got it. I had a long conversation with my husband and told him that she was not ready but that I would double my efforts to teach her. This conversation took place 1 week before her 16th birthday. When I arrived home from work on the day of her birthday she met me at the door holding her drivers license. This caused quite a row between my husband and myself. 6 weeks later my baby girl was killed in a one car accident two blocks from our home. My oldest child went into a state of horrible depression. My son became a drug addict and my husband became a alcohol drinking ass. Yes I fear loss I know the unspeakable can happen and it can happen to me. I lost every thing. I left my abusive husband and the home we had lived in for 35 years with my clothes in garbage bags. That’s all I took, I left my whole life behind. My older daughter has gone forward inher life. She has a happy marriage and two beautiful little girls. My son has not got his life in order. I don’t like living.
Clara Hinton
Betty, I’m so, so sorry. The tragedies that we bear are often beyond human belief and listening to your tragedies has brought it to mind once again. Life just isn’t fair and the unspeakable, unthinkable does indeed happen.
I pray very sincerely that there will be a day when life isn’t so full of agony for you. My heart hurts just reading this. My love to you.
Cassandra
After having 2 miscarriages and loosing my full term son at 1 day old, I fear that I will never have another child. People tell me to not loose hope but I fear every single day. We want to try again, and as much as I want to I just cant get those thoughts out of my head “what if it happens again” I never thought I would be on this journey.
Tina Comstive
Clara, I enjoy your posts. I too lost a Samuel. Samuel Frank Comstive. We call him Sam. 5/18/2010–4/26/2013
Coming upon the 1 yr anniversary. How I miss my sweet boy.
heidi
This article sums up pretty much exactly how I feel. Thank you.