Hi, I’m Clara Hinton, and I’m a writer and a speaker. Many of you know me from my writings about child loss on Facebook, SilentGrief.com, which I began many years ago, and through my books Silent Grief, Child Loss: The Heartbreak and the Hope, and Hope 365: Daily Meditations for the Grieving Heart.
I love helping people, changing the way we view grief, and anything to do with flowers and Italian food. I began practicing writing and speaking before small groups when I was a little kid, and it is a real privilege for me to still be doing what I’m passionate about as a big kid!
I started this blog with some soul-searching questions:
- How can parents survive the heavy grief of losing a child?
- What does it really take to begin to see hope following loss?
- When will it feel like life is worth living again?
- Why does the grief of losing a child hurt worse than any other grief?
What I found in this search was a community of individuals who shared many of my same struggles and needed the support of like-minded friends.
This place is where we come together to show our support, to learn and grow, and are accepted as broken people who want to know how to live again. If you are struggling through the grief of losing a child, a grandchild, or a sibling, then this blog is for you.
I’d like to give you a bit of my background about how I became passionate about creating ways for families of child loss to get much-needed ongoing support. The very first time that “loss” meant something to me was when my sister Carmella died at age 13. To this day I cannot put into words how her death touched every area of my life! It was truly the most horrible, lonely pain I’ve ever experienced. I liken it to hell. Carmella died alone in the Atlantic City Hospital in New Jersey. I will talk about the story of her death later on as we get to know each other more. I have just recently forgiven myself after many, many years of living with guilt and shame for the part I played in her dying alone—away from all family. Nobody should have to leave this earth alone—especially not a scared little girl who wanted nothing more than to have her family by her side.
My life has been blessed with living children, but at age 22 something happened to me that I never dreamed would be part of my life. I miscarried my first baby. This miscarriage took place during a time when there was little communication about what a miscarriage was, and I was scared out of my mind when I began to hemorrhage finally ending with passing my baby at home. To this day, I still have occasional nightmares from that loss.
Sometimes life leads us down a road we never thought we’d travel. Throughout the course of my married life, I lost six babies to miscarriage and delivered one stillborn baby boy, Samuel. He was precious beyond words. Sadly, I do not have one picture of my sweet little baby boy.
The grief from these losses felt at times like I couldn’t go on living. I didn’t share my pain with others because, quite truthfully, it was during a time when very little was said about child loss. Women were somehow expected to be stoic and strong. How that’s possible when experiencing the pain of child loss, I do not know!
After years of struggling with emotional pain, panic attacks, depression from loss, and not knowing how or where to find any type of healing or relief from this pain, a book was born. During the dark hours of the night over the course of nearly a year, my heart poured out onto the pages of a book called “Silent Grief.” If you haven’t read the book yet, I hope you will. I know that you will identify with so much of what is shared in this book. And, anybody who has experienced the loss of a child knows that we need validation more than anything else when seeking support.
In my more recent book, Child Loss: The Heartbreak and the Hope, I take a deeper look into the complex, ongoing pain of child loss and walk those grieving the loss of a child through the foggy abyss of grief into a place of learning how to live within the ongoing pain of loss. This book is a reflection of my own heart following the sudden, unexpected loss of my son Mike in 2015, coupled with the experience of working with grieving parents for over 25 years. The Heartbreak and the Hope sheds new light and insights on the most misunderstood grief of all – the grief of child loss. You will never view child loss the same after reading this book! You will understand that your job is not to fix the broken heart, but rather learn how to rewrite your life story from the deep love that can only be found in brokenness.
Thank you so much for visiting. I’m hoping that you’ll join in and share your thoughts so that together we can grow a community of supporters. Be sure to enter your email address to subscribe to this blog. You’ll be sent a brief email notification when a new post has been made. I know you won’t want to miss each new post!
By the way, my two biggest hobbies are photography (mostly nature pictures) and gardening. I love both and can be found outside anytime the sun is shining!
I’m so happy to be here talking with you, and I’m looking forward to your comments, thoughts, and your questions as we travel this journey of child loss together!
Love,
Clara
66 Comments
Violeta Acosta
Clara,
I am an 70y/o greatgranma,who lost her 22 y/o grandson 4/4/13, this day had been the hardest day of my life to except in my time line of life. By now you would know that I have had loss of loved ones in many different levels of this journey the Lord has blessed me with. But this was and still is again one of the loneless times each day, I allow myself to focus on John Phillips life/death. I have some very great memories of my 1st grandson, on his 13th birthday, I took him on his first airplane trip to Houston to go fishing, (he loved fishing), so he and I spent the most wonderful weekend, I rent a convertable and we found a fishing pier to spend a whole RAINY DAY on this pier and fished with him, no matter what the weather was. He was so excited he new he would catch the largest fish he d ever catch, he asked all the people on the pier fishing, “what bait to use” We had such great weekend, so now I focus on the best of his 22 years here with us. So I thank you for the site, b/c Ive had so much I want to share, but know place that could understand the real feelings a Granma feels for her 1st Granson John Phillip (first time Ive written his name since 4/4/13)
Clara Hinton
Violet, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your grandson. I think you are such a blessing to focus so much on the beautiful times you’ve had with John Phillip. It sounds like he was such a wonderful grandson and he enjoyed his time with you so very much! Your times spent fishing sound wonderful! I think sometimes others don’t understand how much of a heartache grandparents go through when a grandchild dies. I’m so glad you’ve found this site, and I hope you’ll visit here often for comfort and support. Again, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your grandson, John Phillip. May your memories with him be a lasting comfort to you!
Wangari Chuma
Thanks for encouragement. Looking fward
Caroline
I lost my son 31/1/17 he was 38 years old he committed suicide. It was my fault I did not do enough I tried he had mental health issues. 16 months on I broke down at work I am I’ll having to have gall stones removed where previously I was fine. My dr said it could be grief the body’s way of coping.
My daughter tells me stop beating yourself up mum. I can’t help it I should have been there more for him instead of working so much to pay bills.
Now I feel empty incomplete yes I am lucky i have a beautiful daughter. But I still cry my soul cries for the child I lost. I realise now he was more like me he cared loved people whereas my daughter is more practical she deals with things copes. I have had to forgive things. things like my sister grabbing things even the quilt of his bed for the dog. My daughterand son in law rushing around day after he died collecting his stuff. I just wanted his coat the last thing I remember him wearing. My daughter arranged his funeral etc I was out of it for weeks. Didn’t eat for days. I did argue over one thing the music at his funeral I wanted I mio Caro bambino I won when I hear this I always cry.
I only have half a heart the other with him. His father my ex husband died in December of dementia I did not go to the funeral this man was cruel Jekyll and Hyde my son loved him. But often said he was a horrible man . Tortured soul damaged by things his father said and did.
I havent been to church for over a month could not face mother’s day Easter etc. It’s got worse this 2nd year l moved but any stress at home or work brings grief back I can’t cope.
I try but really I just go through the motions of living still. I cope but then something happens today I met the paramedic who went to the house to try to save him police said to her sorry. It brought it all up I was at work I work in retail. It opened up the door that was holding the grief back it undid the lock I broke down.
I have to go in work again today the door is creaky heavy I am trying to shut for awhile at least.
I wish I could be normal whatever that is but I walk in the shadows of living. I hope one day I can open the door and light will filter in.
My love for my son is deeper than ever I lost the only person I know who truly loved me.
I thought I could let his ashes be buried with his father but I can’t let him go my angel I want him in the light his door shines. I will put his ashes in his garden I have created my special place I sit and with memories. Maybe one day I can open the door of light .
Larry Crutcher
I have lost 2 children Daniel died age 32, December 7, 2013 and David age 35 died October 31, 2018.
Vicki Rayburn
I just lost my 35 yr old daughter July 5th. I am devastated to say the least. I lost my 86 yr old mother Feb 19. The losses are sooo completely different. Losing my daughter has been excruciating.
Maxine
I am glad to find you.
Debra Kasten
I lost a granddaughter in 2002, she was only 3 mo. old, they said it was “crib death”, I found out years later that she died by the hands of her father. Then in 2007 the same daughter lost a 6 mo. old son, from unsafe sleeping conditions. My daughter has been in and out of the prison system because her way of “dealing” with the losses is to do the most legal drug world wide… Alcohol. She has two remaining sons, 17 and 16 yrs old. I feel so sorry for them boys, watching their mother drink herself into oblivion… in and out of the prison system, which offers NO help whatsoever! I don’t know what to say anymore, I myself haven’t ever had a miscarriage. I want my daughter back…
Sharon Richards
I lost my daughter Sarah on the 29th October 2020 she too her own life at 36 years leaving two children 10 and 8 and her husband Neil who is a wonderful dad to grandchildren, I am really angling to deal with this just don’t know how my life will feel normal again
Sharon
Randi Frazer
My son John Henry passed away May 23 2022 at 23 yrs old i miss him so much everyday is like a nightmare im not sure how to let myself be loved from myself God or anyone else i feel like its not fair that he isnt feeling the love why should i get to i would give anything to hold him one more time thank you for all you do if you ever have any of these books that you can donate please let me know id be so thankful God bless you and all you precious angel mommas grieving
Kristin padilla
I suddenly lost my 19 yr old son 3 weeks ago today and the pain is so indescribable and I dont know how anyone can make it through this.
I cry my eyes out every day, all day.
Vicki Sharo
Thank you Clara for your message! (Vicki Sharp) this site is so wonderful because most of us have never faced such tragedy. We all need encouragement it seems like every day when my opens I realize my life my world will never be the same. I am a Christian and know God did what was best but my goodness it’s so hard to go forward. I’m 61 and really I just can’t wait to go home. There is nothing or no one that can fix my broken heart but a god. I admire what you are doing. I am pleased through our major legislation some other Mother will not have to suffer such heartache. Thank you for all you do!!!
Clara Hinton
Vicki, I think of heaven every day, and every day it becomes more and more real. Without faith, I’m not sure how we could make it! Thanks so much for your kind comment. I love having this place for us to meet, talk, and be encouraged! Life is far too lonely when we try to travel this road alone!
Dawne
Morning Clara. This heartache of a death of a son, has turned our family over. When i got divorced i moved in with my mum. The boys and i love her so much and she us. We are unusually close family unit.
My dad died when i was four and i knew the day he was going to die. I shared it with my mum and she knew of my ability to “feel” things. So when it happened it was expected yet beyond words traumatic that i could be right……..again…..at the age of four! That was the last time i “felt” things.
That is……..till June 29,2011,
my son had been living with my mum for three years as we worked and lived in the middle east. She was helping him keep focus in his studies and keep out of mischief.
For a reason unknown, we decided to come home after 3 years and 1 month in Bahrain. We could have gone elsewhere but i wanted to be with my boys again, then 22 and 23,
We got home to South Africa and lived 11hours drive away from them. The november before his last christmas he came to visit us. We has the best time EVER! No mommy preaching, just pool, lazy days and chilling! Christmas was the second time in our whole lives that we were apart for the holidays. We went to the Cape to just chill after a hectic year moving and setting up home again.
Then June 27 we had a phone call that was special. For no reason we kept reiterating how much we love eachother. He told me i was “the bestest mommy” and he loved me”like all the grains of sand on the beach, all the drops of water, all the leaves on the trees…….and all the grass on the earth!” That was our little “thing”!
The was killed on his bike by an impatient man, talking on his phone, jumping a que to cross the road in his huge 4×4! I knew something was wrong and called. His phone was answered by a paramedic. Must say his phone was badly damaged yet God allowed the call. His grandmother was there as he took his last breath on the tarr. I knew it as i stood on my knees in the driveway of a friend, 11hours away by car, away from my son. peace came over my desperate prayers and i knew my son was with my father, grandmother, grandad, stepdad and most of all…….JESUS!
His memorial service was arranged by his best friends and it was spectacular! Huge! It then came out he had spent the whole day “visiting” every person he knew and could see. His mates warned him that he was using up his weekly quota of fuel and he did not care. He had a desperation to hand out chocolates and see everyone he could.
Did he know? YES! I believe it. I felt him die, i know my son! We were one soul! We were one entity!
At 24years old Tertius Phillip Heenen known as Phil Odendaal (cause his father had nothing to do with him out of his own choice) became an angel. How do i know that? Cause Jesus came to bring Tertius to me, with his arm wrapped around his shoulders! Tertius knew he was in the wrong in so many things and looked humbled but Jesus had him nestled under his arm! Tertius was nearly six foot! Jesus was bigger!! My son is safe in the arms of Jesus!!
Tertius came to me before that to say goodbye. He was there infont of my bed as i slept, we chatted a desperate conversation, i got up and tucked him up as i always did when he was small, then he died again infront of my eyes. No matter how i shook him or screamed, he had to go! I saw the peace on his face as he left. My son was gone.
We moved back into the house he grew up in and i have, over two years of desperate sadness found an equilibrium of peace. His brother at 27 broke his engagement and moved in with his gran. She needs no “babysitter” but we all need eachother. So now we live, looking forward, remembering good times and laughing at bad, but always together!
Tertius Phillip Heenen aka Phil Odendaal is not lost, not gone for now………those leave a window of hope open that he can be found…….he is deceased! Dead! Finality that must settle on the mind but memories must live on in the heart! I know where he is! And THAT is cause Jesus promised us that he would look after us! Faith is all i have and it has become even stronger!
Miss you my biker son…..like all the leaves on the trees…………….
Clara Hinton
Dawn, This is just another example of how “our children know” when it is their time to die. I believe it with all of my heart, and your profound story emphasizes it even more. This is not coincidence that your son made all of those visits prior to his death. He knew, just as your knew. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the death of your son, but heaven is waiting!
Barbara Harpold
We just lost our oldest son on July 10,2020.He was 35!! We are all having very sad days actually, totally devastating waves of grief. But I have two grandkids I care for. I try to be so strong and always run into people I know. They can’t believe I’m not on my knees crying. But I was taught to be strong I’m just broken but fake it! I just want to sleep my days away and not deal. Plus I want my other three kids with us, constantly. Yet, I get it they have lives. I can’t believe our little family of 6 has had such great loss!
Roxana Nunez
Hi Clara I’m here again 18 months after my 21 year old son past away,and it hurts more and more,my heart hurts,my kids and my husbands life changed forever,our lifes feels empty,we smile but is hard to enjoy every minute with out him 😪😪😪
Cheryl Reed
We lost our 30 yr old son RJ to a heroin/Fentanyl overdose 4 yrs ago. I’m going through a stage where I don’t feel anything and have been binge eating. Dont know what to do. Lost. Can’t connect with God and feel so bad.
Tina McDowell-Velasquez
I found your site from a friend who shared it on facebook. I have not followed any support groups until now because I didn’t think any would help. I lost my 22 year old daughter almost 3 years ago and still to this day just want to hear her voice and see her smile again. You know, I get frustrated with people when they say they know how I feel and they have never had to go through this. Some people think that since she was an adult that it’s not the same as losing a young child and I’m here to tell you that it is just as hard. No matter their age they are still our children and they are not supposed to out live our children. So all I guess I really want to say is Thank you for starting this group and giving people like me some where to look for support.
Clara Hinton
Tina, I’m so glad that your friend shared this site with you. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. It makes my heart hurt so bad just thinking about it. Once child loss touches our lives, we know the real meaning of pain. It’s horrible. 🙁 And, you’re so right — many people want to minimize an older child’s death. But we know there is no distinction — our child is our child at any age, and we love our child with every fiber in us.
It’s always my prayer that someone will receive a bit of encouragement and validation when traveling this difficult journey of child loss. My many thoughts are with you. Again, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.
Sandra
I’m so happy I found your website. I also lost my son on 2/24/2011 all though it has been three years it still hurt as if it was yesterday. I thank God everyday I still have my oldest son, Brian. Thanks for allowing me to share.
Cheryl
I just found this site..I have been praying for a place where I know I am not alone. I lost my son 9 years ago…and some days it feels like yesterday. I know I will see him again..but until then. I must find a way to live fully again. I feel like I am stuck in limbo. thank you for this place to find comfort.
Clara Hinton
Cheryl, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. There is nothing to compare to the pain of a mother’s heart. You’re so right — it’s now up to us to find a way to live life fully again. It’s heartbreaking to know why you are here, but I’m so thankful you’ve found this place where you can come and receive comfort and encouragement.
Linda
Ilost my son 28 yrs ago, he died tragically with his father, your words are so true, it’s just like it happened yesterday and I truly identified with you when you say you feetyou are in limbo, fot that is just how it feels. It does help to talk about it, that is why this site is so important. Xxx
Cindy Sloane
I recently lost my 64 yr old sister Janie on Fathers Day2019. Janie was my heart & soul. She was severely handicapped since birth. She was 60 at a 20 mpnth old cognitive level.kanie alsqays.lived at home. I did.not move put until I was 30 so I cpuld help my parents with mysister. 20 years later my dad knew he only had a few years left- COPD. My mom had bad arthritis , COPD also, so they left Cape Cod and came back to tjere hometown & the 4 of us lived together. I by i they passed away. My dad 2008, my mom 2011 and Janiegirl 2019. She was like my child. I lived & breathed for her. I have 3 other siblings that do not understand why I am ready to just move forward and be able to finally have my own life. There are days it is all I can do to breath!!!
Pingback:
Alida
Clara, I found your site from a friend who shared it on facebook. So glad I saw this and finally I dont feel alone. I lost my son Ewald 19/4/2013 he was my youngest child my baby…..only 30 years, a father of 3 children and the youngest asking when is Pappa coming back. Thank you so much for this site, Clara, somewhere to express my feelings. Feelings nobody can understand and feel how we feel. It’s 2yrs 6 months and it gets worse every day, remarks from people doesn’t makes it easy…….they hurts you more and more. I’m so so sorry for you and all the parents here for the loss of your children. Thank you so much.
Clara Hinton
Alida,
I’m so very glad you’ve found this site, also. It is always my prayer that every person who visits this site will receive some kind of encouragement. I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of your son Ewald. I think it hurts us a thousand times more when our child that died left behind children who miss their daddy so very much. It’s impossible to explain to them what happened. All that their young, tender hearts know is how much it hurts. My love to you. I pray that somehow, some way there will be peace again.
Lorrie
I just found your site, by googling walking the path alone after the death of your child. I lost my son Cameron on 12/3/14. I have walked this path of grief basically alone, and I have a family, or shall I say had a family. I found my son passed away, I remember trying to give him CPR, be was still warm, but did not have a heart beat. I recall crying out to GOD to not take my son he was my only child. Yes I received numerous so many calls that were deeply appreciated and about 4oo people came to the funeral. When all was said and done, the calls stopped. Which I knew that was normal. Time showed me who were my friends and family and who were not. My family was not there which hurt very deeply. I found out who my friends were. Work??? What a laugh!!! I won’t even go into that. Let me just say a month after your child dies your boss tells you you need to just forget about it and go on with your life. My heart hurts so bad!!! I miss my son more and more each day.
Clara Hinton
Lorrie, I’m so very, very sorry to hear this. I think those of us who have experienced child loss also know the pain of abandonment by friend. Few are the friends who will stick by us through the thick and thin of losing a child. I hope you’ll continue to read this blog, and receive some much-needed support. My thoughts are with you in a very sincere way.
Taralee May
We lost our Dalton June 8,2015. Forever 19. He is one of our four sons. Miss him & love him more than words can ever say.
Clara Hinton
Taralee, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your Dalton. Missing one child is like missing the world. We never feel the same or whole again because we aren’t the same or whole. How can we be with such a huge part of heart missing?
My love and prayers go out to you. Again, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son.
Lisa
I lost my son Daniel on July 1st, 2015. He was my baby boy although he was 29 years old. That morning I usually get a call from him to start my day but by 10am I knew something was wrong. His work said he was a no show no call so I text him “Should I be worried”…..that was my last communication to my son until I got the dreaded call that he had passed that morning at 7:45am in a car accident. My life has changed forever. It is a ongoing issue of a lot of tears daily. I hope to gain strength from being here. God Bless!!!!
Mary Jane
I just found your website. I am a Christian woman, but even still, I feel like I can’t bear the excruciating daily pain that wracks my soul and pierces my heart. I know we as Christians should always have “hope” for a brighter tomorrow, but right now, it’s early in my horrific grief and I see no bright future ahead. Along with mourning, I also have a deep, deep depression. My horrendous, unbelievable story is this: On Nov 17th, 2016, I lost my very beloved 30 year old daughter and her 2 daughters, my precious grandbabies, only 5 and 18 months. They were shot in the head while sleeping by her husband, Lance, also the girls most-loved Daddy. Until this fateful day, Lance was the kindest, gentlest, loving husband and father you would ever want to meet—totally devoted to his family, kind to everyone. In his mind he felt like a failure because he was not going to graduate with his Masters Degree, as he had told everyone he was going to. He placed too much importance on that degree! (In 2015 he ran away rather than confess to everyone that he wasn’t graduating). He NEVER, EVER showed one sign of being depressed in the days leading up to what he did. Obviously, he was, but we are all stunned how he could contain it like that; I’m sure not even his sweet, loving wife knew! This was a BEAUTIFUL family….very beloved by so many people in their congregation. I ADORED my Amy, my Claire and my Abi more than words can say. I doted on those grandbabies and they were the joy of my life. We are all so TRAUMATIZED that our son in law could do something so heinous and despicable, to those he loved the most and they adored him. Every day is a battle to just keep on living. I do believe in Heaven, the Ressurection, and that I will be with them again someday, but this pain that I am going through is BEYOND EXCRUCIATING. I spend the majority of my days crying, often hysterically and with panic attacks. I miss my 3 girls so bad and the wonderful relationship we shared and the thoughts of not being able to see them anytime soon pierces my heart and soul with undescribable pain and suffering. Every day is sheer misery. I am clinging on by a very thin thread and if it werent for my 20 year old daughter and my husband, I probably would have already committed suicide, in the hopes I can be with them. I have been through many, many trials in my life (including other loved ones dying) but nothing like this. I go to a therapist to help me with grief, but so far, nothing helps. EVERYTHING is a painful reminder of them and all the wonderful love and joys we shared. Even the memories are painful. I can’t look at pictures of them at all, without it increasing my grief. HOW OH HOW DO I GO ON, HAVING LOST THREE AT ONE TIME, AND IN SUCH A HORRIFIC, SHOCKING MANNER? I am in the pits of despair.
Trina Gaston
I am also new to your website and the pain is still very fresh and raw to me. My oldest son of 19 was killed in a auto accident this past July 4th 2016. I am so very lost without him in my life. Life goes forward but you constantly think how how how can I move forward and be happy or enjoy life. Is it possible?? I have my 17 year old son who survived the accident and he is a blessing to me and everyone he meets. He has actually been my rock during these last several months. I worry that I am so lost and deeply saddened by Hunter’s death that Ryan may feel like I can’t ever be happy with him and enjoy our life together. God, friends, family, co-workers, and strangers have been pulling me through but that void is so real and always there. Thanks for being so proactive in this because there are so many people that suffer as we do. May God bless you all.
Clara Hinton
Trina, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son Hunter. The grief is beyond what we can explain in human terms. In the months to come you’ll have so many mixed emotions — ones that you never experienced before. That’s normal. You’ve been through the worst kind of pain and trauma known to mankind.
Be kind to yourself. I’m sure that Ryan understands the love you have for him. He, too, is feeling a lot of the same pain you’re feeling over the loss of Hunter. It’s such a mixed bag of emotions!
Please know that my heart weeps with you. Love, Clara
Patricia
Hi Clara, it is now 15 months ago, as my sons silent birth. My only child. The last 15 months, since the doctor said “it is death” i needed to find out the hart truth that i was left allone. The first Person i called, was my mother just to hear from her “you are always making Problems”. At this Point i thought, well, good that you at least have some friends. But i was wrong. No one of my alleged friends, which i was helping so often, was there. Not even for this simple help, to give some Food to my cat as Long i am in Hospital. I needed to ask and pay a stranger to look after my cat. I was going allone to the Hospital, going allone through the birth. I was like a machine at this time. Feeling nothing. They not even asked if i want to see him. Just few hours after a Pastor was comming to my Hospital room even as i told them, i do not want her to come. Well her meaning of Support was to come in and ask if i know if it was a Boy or Girl and to say reproachful “it was a Boy, i have asked”. And saying immediately “you have to burry him”. Few days later i was comming allone back home. In a home where ony my cat was waiting. I was going allone through organizing the funeral. Fighting allone to see my son only one time, allone going to the funeral house to see him. At least going allone through his burry. My mother was not going, becouse of her sickness she ist not looking good enough. As it would be important. Just 3 weeks after the funeral the local Pastor was comming, bringing me a puppy to replace the loss. knowing well, which a Problem i had to find someone for my cat as i was going to hospital. A dog can not replace a child. And what should happen to the dog, when i would get sick and needed to go to Hospital again when there is no one who would care about? And so the last 15 months. Left allone. Just Forget and carry on. Hearing from some People, no worry, the next time it will be going well. Well in the last 15 months it Comes out, i would Need more then a miracle to just try, and even when i could get pregnant again, just a Little Chance that my Baby would be Born alive. And the only one that my mother have to say is “in your Age you do not Need children anymore. if you wanted to have some, then you should get them 20 years ago”. Not thinking about, that within 20 years it was the only one time, that i was getting pregnant. That since more then 15 years becouse of hashimoto Syndrome and wrong Treatments were a steadily up and down in which my hormones and Body were playing crazy, and there never have been a real Chance before. And now, i am so tired of the empty hope. And so tired of all the “good meaned comments” like this “without children you have more Money and more time”. Well, Money and time for what? Or “you have still your work”. Well, work can not replace everything in life. And all the Money and all the time of the world means nothing, when there is no one with whom you can shear it.
Heather
I just lost my 26 year old son in a motor vehicle accident. I believe in Jesus, and still find myself inconsolable. He was a beautiful man.
Clara Hinton
Heather, I’m so very, very sorry for the loss of your son.
You’re heart is going to feel inconsolable for a long time simply because you love your son so much. Your belief in Jesus will help you in the months ahead, but for now our Lord weeps with you. Again, I’m so very sorry. 🙁
Paige
I am a grandmother of 6, the 6th one having passed away October 12, 2016 from SIDS at the age of 3 months old, this is the most horrible pain I have ever felt. I try to go through the days and smile, I try to be happy when I see pictures of my friends grandbabies that are the same age as he is. It hurts so bad, I want to be the one sharing pictures of the milestones he is making, but I can’t because we don’t have those pictures. My heart aches for my daughter, all I know to do is just be here when she needs to cry or scream or vent. I find comfort in your site and things that are posted on Facebook. Thank you
Joann E. Baker
I loss my two boys. Having 2 children, and loosing both. It feels like hell on earth. I haven’t found any one that can help me. Nor can they understand Loosing their entire family.
Joann E. Baker
I loss my two boys. Having 2 children, and loosing both. It feels like hell on earth. I haven’t found any one that can help me. Nor can they understand Loosing their entire family. At 22 my oldest son was killed by a drunk. The son I just lost was from a heart attack. He was 51. The only one that could under stand would be someone that has gone through the same as I have.
Patricia Galasso
I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your words. My son Henry passed away Oct18,2016. He would have been 31 in Jan 2017. He has 2 young sons ages 9 and 3. I am raising them now. They have been what makes me get up every day. I don’t have much support. I find it hard to talk to my other 3 children because I don’t want to worry them. That’s why I am thankful for your group on FACEBOOK. Although it saddens me to see others suffering from a loss of a child, I am glad that someone else understands the pain that I can’t explain to anyone. So thank you again for helping me when I need it most.
jody
my daughter was 19 years old when she left the house 1 night 10yrs ago,
I presumed(wrongly as it turns out)to meet friends.was missing for 6 weeks before being found dead in a ditch.the guilt each day gets worse,i shouldve
known what she was up to, i couldve prevented her killing.the added media attention, ie, regular letters asking me to take part in documentaries,(because
it was a serial killer)despite my not polite objections, the tv companies still
go ahead,making money for themselves out of others misfortune. i dont know
for how much longer i can go on,but i have to for my other family members.
SUE
I LOST MY YOUNGEST IT WILL 2 YEARS SEPTEMBER 2ND 2015 HE WAS AMBUSHED AT A YIELD SIGN IN SAGINAW MI AND SHOT SEVERAL TIMES HE JUST TURNED 21 JUME 27TH HE HAS A BABY GIRL HE WASNT QUITE 4 MONTHS OLD JUST A FEW DAYS AWAY.STILL HAVE NO AMSWERS TO WHY OR WHO THANK YOU SINCERLY SUE RICO
Linda
Im so glad I came across this site which popped up on Facebook, a grieving mother has a hard road to travel and by sharing this we can help each other in some small way. Xxx
Liz
I lost my 5 month old son , Scott, 24/3/91. 26 years and it’s still raw, please help
Tareasa Bradley
Hi Clara, I am so happy I came across your Facebook page today. Since I lost my son on November 23, 2016 I have wanted to start a support group of mother’s who have gone through the loss of a child in my area. It is just hard for me to get it started. It’s almost like I want to do it but not doing anything about it because it is too painful to think about. I really feel that this is needed in this day and time. I know so many mothers personally who have gone through this horrific painful life altering tragedy and I want to bring us all together so that we can help one another.
Carol
I lost my 45 year old son, Aaron. He died of liver failure, lung failure, kidney failure and heart. He had Alpha1 of the liver. It is a genetic disease. The father and mother are both carriers. When he was born he was jaundice, bloated stomach, thin arms and legs but rallied and lived his life playing sports, working, being a Daddy, being a husband and lover of God. He suffered terribly.
The date? March, 6, 2017. Yes, my heart is broken but I am so thankful for my other two grown children.
kathy Driscoll
Hello Clara, I am constantly searching for some peace in the lose of my daughter Carly, she was 17 yrs/o when she was diagnosed with a childhood cancer in her sinus’s. She was about to graduate from high. She fought for 19 months to live cause had so many plans. She also was a writer, she went to a school of the Arts and was an amazing writer.The day she was diagnosed until the day she died I never left her side, so I had to watch my beautiful daughter die in front of my eyes, we lost her at age 19. It has been 7yrs this month that she has been gone, but the memories are like yesterday. I was the only one who saw Everything she went through all her suffering, pain, and hear her cry why is this happening to me. Carly was a very humorous and spunky person, the middle child, very naturing to her friends and family.Out of my three children she andI were closer in a special way more than my other two, she molded me with her writing, her music,and her love for me. I’ve read books gone on different sites but I Am Broken, I seem to fine any peace.Lots of times I feels like I’m trapped inside my body and I want to scream with pain and grief but I try and hide it or cry in the shower whenI am alone. No one to talk to if I do talk I sympathy and that look but most don’t get it. I saw you on fb and thought I would reach out hoping someone would grab my hand & tell me its or I’m gonna be ok .
Suzanne
Does ANYthing ‘help’at ANY time? Today is the so-called’Holiday’,Christmas 2017… A thousand days.A THOUSAND….
It’s unadulterated, soul-crushing, mind-numbing Hell…
Misha
My only daughter would be 24 on January 24th. She committed suicide two weeks before graduating college she was finished was finished with school. I walked up there and got her diploma a bachelors degree in early childhood education. That was harder than her funeral. She had her classroom had her classroom almost set up for this year.
She was planning to get her masters in psychology at Duke. She passed on march 23th 2017.
Suicide is so complicated I been told it has torn my family apart/ The night I turn to work like a zombie they tell me my job is moving to Spain. I live with her father she was mad at me for getting back with him and we had and Argument right before this happened and that’s the hardest the guilt I have is unbearable we were supposed to go to counseling together we never got the chance.
My daughter Seai Jordan Miller has a brother 11 year years old. I have custody of him and I could go get him at any time my niece lives with my parents and so does my son because I was working third and I couldn’t put him in the situation they also have him in football and riding motorcycles and racing motorcycles things I can afford now because I’ve taken a really big pay cut, I’m only drawing unemployment and I do not know how to fix motorcycles I couldnot haul motorcycle. I do not even have a car after she passed away I was involved in 5 car wrecks I totaled my new car, I totaled rhe next 1, 2001 car. I had life insurance on my children. I never thought I would have to use it ever in my life and they paid me four dollars.
I lost so much weight after her death. I really feel like I am Grieving myself to death.
I feel like I have lost two children and Cohen my son started staying over there I guess about 3 years ago when I started working third. I couldn’t watch him while I slept during the day. again he can’t be around this verbal abusive relationship.
People tell me all the time your son needs you! They don’t understand that he’s not even with me and that is killing me too!!! love my children with all my heart, soul and very bone in my body!!! Feel like I need to post dramatic stress person to help me through this!!!! I’ve been told suicide is complicated grief and it is definitely complicated and I feel like I’m getting worse than better and it has torn my family apart. I have no 1
I am stuck for now here and I also get stuck like I’m supposed to leave the house in 30 minutes it takes me three hours or longer and sometimes I just can’t so, I will say I will do it tomorrow. Time goes by so much faster now. I went into Old Navy for the first time in probably 2 years and I’ll pick out 4 items and I was in there for four hours and then it was too much money, I said put it all back. I lost my jacket when I was in there and I was looking for my keys in old navy cause they were closing, I did not want to be outside Searching my purse for my keys and the lady said what do they look like? yes of course they were my keys. I was only going in they for 15 min cause I was going to AT&T store to fix my phone wil, of course I never made it. Why do I get get stuck???? I felt like a ghost and was pile as 1 too! I am 45 year old after her death have aged so much!!!! I don’t care, I don’t care that I wreaked my cars. It took me alone time to get. I don’t care I don’t have any money. If it would bring my daughter back I had my own place and my son why me Where he belongs!!! The people that do know I know they judge me and think I’m the worst mother in the world I know this because, I beat myself up every day! For the mistake I have made. My daughter and son was the only think I did right. We Want our kids to be better than us I wanted my children to be better than me. So when my daughter was in k-4 I tought her multiplication tables 0,1 and 2. how to spell worked a that 1st grades was learning. Also told her school was a privilege because all kids don’t get to go to school and in some countries they won’t even let girls go to school. I never made her think it was something she had to do!! I want her to be smarter than me. which is not hard I am not book smart. I may be a little hands-on smart alittle used to work in a doctors office. I can’t even think straight and half the time talk straight!!! I use to be strong have a hard a really bad day even physically fight with her dad but I would go to work like nothing happened. I like to make other people happy But, I think it helped me cope with my pain on the inside. meanwhile my daughter is miserable and I don’t even know it. How do I live with a guilt?????? I’m scared to live now and I’m scared to die!! God should have took me. She had so much to offer the world, these kids she was so good with when she was a Student teacher! I am nothing.
Julie
Misha it is not by chance that I found this site as I am grieving a daughter that was much younger than your dear daughter. I too have unresolved grief, circumstances didn’t allow me to. Misha you sound like the way I was and it was so painful to go through this too.
Misha, we are like baby birds who have fallen out of the nest; we are hurting, disoriented and alone. We feel helpless and scared. I picture us in a nest (God’s hands cupping us), and soothing with His closeness to us and His love.. he is whispering to us. He is keeping us warm and secure. He is telling us how much He loves us. As humans we are reacting normally to our situations. And yes we are having and will have ptsd for a very long time maybe forever…Today is Mother’s Day and I have a lump in my Throat that hurts and I feel like crying. I know it is my grief about My daughter. My heart goes out to you. Know that you are loved and prayed for.
James
Our 20 year old son jumped to his death on July 20, 2018. We have to work so hard to make our bills. It’s also exhausting, many customers are angry if we need to close, even a little. It’s like everyone has forgotten that he lived. We have to make a 900 mile round trip to clear out his home and get his belongings from the police. People are bitching about us taking a long weekend trip…really. our lives are forever ruined.
Sabrina Coe
Hi my name is Sabrina and I lost or we lost our precious 17-year-old son Spencer 24 months ago. It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve seen him and in the same time mere minutes. He was alone in our car driving and got into an accident and died instantly of a broken neck.. We saw him on a Sunday afternoon and the next day the police were telling us that he was gone. We did not get to see is him until the following Friday at the funeral home. And all these months my husband and myself have just been in shock and terror and in excruciating pain. I have no joy and no hope in my life at all and no purpose. I just do not know what to do. Everything is so hard. It takes a gargantuan effort just to even shower. I’m completely lost
KATHY
MY SON, ANDREW SHOT HIMSELF IN 2013. NOW I THINK ABOUT DYING A LOT. I DO BELIEVE I WILL SEE HIM IN HEAVEN. I HAVE HEALTH ISSUES…..COULD THIS BE CAUSED BY GRIEF. ALSO I LOST MY DOG A MONTH AGO. HE NAMED HER. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Pingback:
Cindy Sloane
I recently lost my 6o yr old sister Janie on Fathers Day2019. Janie was my heart & soul. She was severely handicapped since birth. She was 60 at a 20 month old cognitive level.Janie always.lived at home. I did.not move out until I was 30 so I could help my parents with my sister. 20 years later my dad knew he only had a few years left- COPD. My mom had bad arthritis , COPD also, so they left Cape Cod and came back to there hometown & the 4 of us lived together. 1 by 1 they passed away. My dad 2008, my mom 2011 and Janiegirl 2019. She was like my child. I lived & breathed for her. I have 3 other siblings that do not understand why I am NOT ready to just move forward and be able to finally have my own life. There are days it is all I can do to breath!!! I miss her terribly. She coild do absolutely nothing for herself. The last year she was admitted to the hospital 8 times. I stayed with her 24 /7. She could not communicate well. Even the Drs had trouble dx her. OMG!!!!
Charlotte
Hello. Clara+all others. Am I unique or a freak? Should I be ruminating,be thinking reg all the what-ifs?
It’s been 13 years+although on the outside I may look ok to others. On the inside I m 1000s X worse.
Being at a stage in my life which women go through makes things worse+the self blame won’t go. After being missing 5 wks, my Daughter was found dead by police divers,thrown in ditch,dumped like trash with no
clothes on. ID by fingerprints. I never got say goodbye like I couldv done if she d been in hospital bed
dying from illness. I would been prepared. I know it would been dreadful still, but the trauma ,seeing her in a body bag being
taken away from the scene on the news.I HATE the press. As a serial killer involved,imagine the press interest,the constant remaking
of TV dramas,etc, against my wishes. THE GAWPING of people when they recognise me in shops, banks, cafes,
workplaces, etc. The next time someone stares at me,IL go up+say, “you r looking at me as though u no me,I
don’t know who you are” . Or IL be even ruder +say ” do you want a photo,!? Stop staring at me!” Ideally I’ve reached the point where I want to shut myself away, order online shopping, not see any1,+ not work,
but unfortunately I can’t get a pension for 6 years.so can’t retire. Also I got health probs +there’s a few
hospital appointments,operations looming. Please do not any1 DARE to mention religion to me as I’m
atheist + I was most INSULTED when a so called friend of many years suggested G*D should help!
How does she know what she would do if she had to bury her child with the media glare,+the guilt
I feel that this couldv been prevented? Girl mixed with the wrong people +was up to dodgy things
but does that mean some evil scum had right to kill? Of course I think about suicide, but I have a son
+grandson, + I visit him when I can.partner I live with has terminal illness, but he’s kind + I hide my
thoughts,illness from him +son. I must carry on living but it’s SO HARD. I don’t want my old friends back,
not the 1 s with normal lives that haven’t got a clue, yet they gripe,+moan reg such trivial hogwash.
IL only get involved with childloss parents,who understand. I’m happy without any other friends,they
really get on my nerves now, Am I normal. Please help me. Don’t judge me. X
Viral Kansara
Hi Clara,
You’re doing a great job! I want your advice. My best friend lost her son who was 3 years and 5 months old. It is going to be a month in few days. She lives in another country and I can’t reach her except through phone.
She is devastated. I know I cannot ever imagine the pain she is going through. I still want to be of some help. Nothing can fill the void, but I want to be sure that I do the best I can do for her.
Please let me know, I feel restless. Thank you.
Veronica Harris
On Feb 16,2021, my oldest daughter’s 28th birthday we lost my 16th month old granddaughter to a drowning accident in the pool at the mom’s home. My son, who is 29 and lives in a different state than the child is in so much pain on the loss of his child in this way. It has brought so many questions to our side of the family and unanswered questions of how could this happen. How do you move forward to help the grief process of such a tragedy?
Tim Bordonaro
My 19 year old & youngest son shot himself on the beach at my girlfriends home about an hour drive from our home between 2am – 7 am 6/17/2019. Technically the day after Fathers Day. I can’t write the whole story right now however finding this site and beginning to write has a good idea feeling about it.. Bottom line I cry every day for almost two years now, many times, several times a day and that in itself is exhausting and absolutely crippling. I’ll be back with a novel on how I gave most of my all to a son who apparently suffered from depression and or mental illness where the symptom is the inability to enjoy life.
Angie Thurman
You are an inspiration to many. Thank you.
international pharmacy
Its like you learn my mind! You appear to know a lot approximately
this, such as you wrote the e book in it or something.
I think that you simply could do with some
p.c. to force the message house a bit, but other than that,
this is fantastic blog. A fantastic read. I’ll definitely
be back.
Donna Marie Giovanni
Hi Clara,
The letter following is a letter written by Kevin Reeves who lost his wife of over 30 years in March. He keeps people up to date as to how he is doing & thanks those who are concerned for him & also those who have donated finances for his expenses. I thought you would appreciate his heart & love & grief in the loss of her…Donna Giovanni
I feel like I’m living in a time capsule, where each item is where she left it, with her clothes still neatly hung or folded in the closet, her special diet foods still in the kitchen cabinets and the remainder of the protein shakes she drank in the last three weeks of her life yet in the fridge. In some future epoch, I fantasize, they will open the capsule and find me, the only animated thing in an apartment frozen in time.
I honestly tried to move some of Kris’ stuff, toss at least the mildly outdated healthy snacks or her last prescription bottle, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. With all the other stuff I’ve been doing–having her name taken off the car insurance, for example–it just feels to me that throwing out or even moving what she will never use again is a form of erasure, as if she had never existed. So I leave the vitamin organizer case, with its brightly colored herbs and vitamins in its own daily slot, exactly where she left it, along with the other bottles of sundry herbs she had used medicinally.
I know the irrational, grief-stricken part of me feels that if I leave everything exactly where her hands had placed it, I could at least soften the reality of her…not here. And never to be. And here come the tears. Again.
They tell me, those who have been in this widow/widower state, that this is all normal, that grief compels some to get rid of everything in a heartbeat, and others to cling to the things that the deceased spouse had touched, carefully organized, placed in a particular spot. Whether fortunately or otherwise, I fall into the latter category. I couldn’t even let my daughter remove some of the less personal items. Now that she has returned to Colorado, I in my aloneness am even less inclined to consider it.
The two always-shut doors in the apartment–the bedroom and Kris’ cardmaking studio–remain that way. There’s too much emotion running rampant in those rooms. In her studio, half-built cards sit on the tables, where she stood before she became too weak to do the work. In the bedroom, of course, the king-size, almost new bed serves as a cruel reminder of the emptiness on her side. Never again to feel her warmth as she slept, or to hear her steady breathing in the night, is nearly more breaking than my already broken heart can stand. Weeks after returning here from Arizona, I sleep on an inflatable mattress in one section of the living room. Instead of her comforting breathing, I now hear the lowered volume of the television set as a favored old western series plays out, one episode after another, all night long. It’s better than hearing the questions in my head, that continually press me for an answer to ones like, “What am I going to do without her?”
The death of a loved spouse changes you, in every way. A good part of you goes in the grave with them, and it doesn’t come back. The videos on grief that I have watched all say that I will be redefined, minus the interred part, and that I will eventually learn to navigate the gaping hole in my heart without falling into it several times a day. I don’t know whether I believe that, or if I ever could.
Once again, I want to thank with all my heart the wonderful people who have blessed me with kind words, cards, concern, and financial gifts to help me with these bills. I know I haven’t yet gone to every one of your personally, which I continually intend to do, and I apologize for not fulfilling this intention. This fog that surrounds me everywhere makes it incredibly difficult to focus, sapping my energy so that even after two months it feels like an achievement to simply get out of bed in the morning. My sleep is still fitful, and at night I try to stay awake to the point of exhaustion, to make sure I’m tired enough to get at least a few hours.
But please know that I am deeply grateful for the concern and prayers you send my way. It is a source of comfort, and connection in a time when my life feels unmoored. Thank you, and God bless and keep you.
Kevin Reeves
Patricia hane
Lost my son when he was 4 years old . I am such a different person. !